artist: Panic! At The Disco
album: Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die!
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Salutations fellow internet people!
So....I have more than one crush currently (Two to be exact). One I "met" in religious class and one I'm sorta friends with, but BOTH I have stalked on pretty much every social media platform. It sounds creepy, but honestly, who HASN'T stalked their crush online AT LEAST once. Those who deny are liars. Because I'm a turnip and can't properly socialize with human beings, I've had pretty bad first impressions with both of these gentlemen.
The guy from religious class (let's call him Ray) is someone I think I've talk to a total of 5 times. Each response of mine being no more than 4 words. I want to hide in an eggshell I'm so awkward. Okay, so when I first met him, it was a church field trip to the city pass out sandwiches and socks to the homeless. I was already missing out on a sports competition that put me at risk, and then my mom LITERALLY spent the WHOLE time talking about how I should be "more social" with other church kids that are going. She doesn't consider the fact that I've already tried (and failed) before and they already have their own cliques. So it was a double whammy to make me really upset. For moral support, and also to give me someone to talk to, my sister tagged along to help. Before heading out to the city, we had to assemble the sandwiches and distribute an even amount of bags for each kid to pass out when we arrive. My sister being her perfect self already made friends with the people there while I was pretty much a ghost in the room. I glanced at my mom who was making her stupid "matchmaking" gestures toward some guy who was assembling sandwiches at a table. This guy was Ray. He is tall, athletic, and legit looks like a model. He has one of those contagious smiles and a laugh that catches people's attention. Him being Asian was also a plus. When we left the church to meet at the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit...it's kinda like a train) station, my mom spent the whole car ride complaining that I'm so unsocial, that no one will like me if I keep wearing the clothes I wear, and that I need to talk to boys if I ever want a future. What really got to me was when she said "You need to be JUST LIKE your sister. She is perfect." At that point I cried. I was already stressed about school, missing the competition, and I'm aware of how I am but her reassurance just pushed me over my line of emotional stability. I was sour, upset, and I didn't want to talk to anyone after my mom's "pep talk." While waiting for the train, Ray's friend approached my sister and started chatting her up. Ray soon followed and stood next to his friend not saying anything, pretty much mirroring the position I was in with my sister. Of course a cute guy just HAD to stand directly in front of me while I'm a hot mess. Ray's friend asked if we were friends, and my sister told him that we were sisters. He couldn't really tell because I was staring at the ground the whole time (although I do this all the time) so I looked up and gave them both a small smile despite my swollen eyes. That was when I saw Ray kinda smile back at me and I temporarily forgot how to breathe before looking back down. And SURPRISE! Our benches on BART faced each other so they sat across from us so that Ray's friend could keep talking to my sister. I shoved my earphones in my ears, blasted music, and just stared out the window to avoid socializing with anyone. It wasn't until my sister tapped my shoulder asking if I was okay that I realized I was crying again. I hastily wiped my face with my jacket sleeves and turned back to the window because I didn't want Ray or his friend to see me. Again, I wanted to hide in an eggshell. I would secretly steal glances at Ray through his reflection in the window glass because I was mesmerized by his attractiveness. After a whole day of having to stand, walk, and sit near this guy was intimidating and embarrassing for me. On the train ride back home from the city, Ray's friend still invited both me and my sister to eat lunch with them even after an awkward explanation that my sister already has a boyfriend. We ended up not going.
SO MUCH FOR A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION OH MY GOSH I WANT TO DIE. Ever since, my connection with him has always been the same: me admiring him from a distance. The closest I've ever gotten to Ray was our last day in religious ed. We all had to dress up semi-formally, and it was one of those rare occasions where I actually felt pretty. It was only me, Ray, and two other people in our group, and Ray tried motivating and pumping us up for the end. I only smiled back or cheered with him each time because I was too afraid to talk to him.
That's pretty much it. Never had a conversation with him. Never properly introduced myself. Only admired from afar. It's odd because I'm somewhat friends with his best friends but I never met him and yeah it's complicated. If I ever want to see him again, I just have to rely on luck or stalk him because we go to different schools.
I hate crushes.
Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!
Salutations fellow internet people!
So....I have more than one crush currently (Two to be exact). One I "met" in religious class and one I'm sorta friends with, but BOTH I have stalked on pretty much every social media platform. It sounds creepy, but honestly, who HASN'T stalked their crush online AT LEAST once. Those who deny are liars. Because I'm a turnip and can't properly socialize with human beings, I've had pretty bad first impressions with both of these gentlemen.
The guy from religious class (let's call him Ray) is someone I think I've talk to a total of 5 times. Each response of mine being no more than 4 words. I want to hide in an eggshell I'm so awkward. Okay, so when I first met him, it was a church field trip to the city pass out sandwiches and socks to the homeless. I was already missing out on a sports competition that put me at risk, and then my mom LITERALLY spent the WHOLE time talking about how I should be "more social" with other church kids that are going. She doesn't consider the fact that I've already tried (and failed) before and they already have their own cliques. So it was a double whammy to make me really upset. For moral support, and also to give me someone to talk to, my sister tagged along to help. Before heading out to the city, we had to assemble the sandwiches and distribute an even amount of bags for each kid to pass out when we arrive. My sister being her perfect self already made friends with the people there while I was pretty much a ghost in the room. I glanced at my mom who was making her stupid "matchmaking" gestures toward some guy who was assembling sandwiches at a table. This guy was Ray. He is tall, athletic, and legit looks like a model. He has one of those contagious smiles and a laugh that catches people's attention. Him being Asian was also a plus. When we left the church to meet at the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit...it's kinda like a train) station, my mom spent the whole car ride complaining that I'm so unsocial, that no one will like me if I keep wearing the clothes I wear, and that I need to talk to boys if I ever want a future. What really got to me was when she said "You need to be JUST LIKE your sister. She is perfect." At that point I cried. I was already stressed about school, missing the competition, and I'm aware of how I am but her reassurance just pushed me over my line of emotional stability. I was sour, upset, and I didn't want to talk to anyone after my mom's "pep talk." While waiting for the train, Ray's friend approached my sister and started chatting her up. Ray soon followed and stood next to his friend not saying anything, pretty much mirroring the position I was in with my sister. Of course a cute guy just HAD to stand directly in front of me while I'm a hot mess. Ray's friend asked if we were friends, and my sister told him that we were sisters. He couldn't really tell because I was staring at the ground the whole time (although I do this all the time) so I looked up and gave them both a small smile despite my swollen eyes. That was when I saw Ray kinda smile back at me and I temporarily forgot how to breathe before looking back down. And SURPRISE! Our benches on BART faced each other so they sat across from us so that Ray's friend could keep talking to my sister. I shoved my earphones in my ears, blasted music, and just stared out the window to avoid socializing with anyone. It wasn't until my sister tapped my shoulder asking if I was okay that I realized I was crying again. I hastily wiped my face with my jacket sleeves and turned back to the window because I didn't want Ray or his friend to see me. Again, I wanted to hide in an eggshell. I would secretly steal glances at Ray through his reflection in the window glass because I was mesmerized by his attractiveness. After a whole day of having to stand, walk, and sit near this guy was intimidating and embarrassing for me. On the train ride back home from the city, Ray's friend still invited both me and my sister to eat lunch with them even after an awkward explanation that my sister already has a boyfriend. We ended up not going.
SO MUCH FOR A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION OH MY GOSH I WANT TO DIE. Ever since, my connection with him has always been the same: me admiring him from a distance. The closest I've ever gotten to Ray was our last day in religious ed. We all had to dress up semi-formally, and it was one of those rare occasions where I actually felt pretty. It was only me, Ray, and two other people in our group, and Ray tried motivating and pumping us up for the end. I only smiled back or cheered with him each time because I was too afraid to talk to him.
That's pretty much it. Never had a conversation with him. Never properly introduced myself. Only admired from afar. It's odd because I'm somewhat friends with his best friends but I never met him and yeah it's complicated. If I ever want to see him again, I just have to rely on luck or stalk him because we go to different schools.
I hate crushes.
Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!
<3 The Little Fangirl
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