One Direction OTRA Concert

Song of the Post: Clouds
     artist: One Direction
     album: FOUR

(I can't find the audio sorry!)

Salutations fellow internet people!
So recently I was FINALLY able to go to a One Direction concert! It was AMAZAYN ;) I'll see myself out the door now... I went with a friend, and I was so excited I shook like a Chihuahua ✌ It was also one of the few times I felt really pretty **intense blushing**
On the way to the venue, there were a ton of trucks, vans, and SUVs full of groups of people jamming out to 1D.... My car included☺ The stadium my concert was at was absolutely breathtaking. I was enthralled by how clean and very modern the stadium was in terms of its structure. What kind of bugged me were the handful of people I saw who wore other band merch to a 1D concert. I understand that you really like that other band, but it's a bit disrespectful to wear that at a concert for someone else. Aren't you there to support them?!? But....whatever. That's just my personal opinion.

I don't know if it's just me or if anybody else does this, but I'm always torn between fully enjoying myself at the concert and wanting to record every second of it. I want to jump around and chant along to the songs, but I also want to try to stay as still as possible so that my video isn't shaky and blurry. I'm trying to make it a goal for myself to just leave my camera at home and if I want to see videos, I'll just check social media for them and then enjoy the concert while I'm there!

The song they opened with was Clouds ☁ and I kid you not....it is my favorite song on the whole album. (Please say that with claps inbetween each word to emphasize my passion for this song) The day it was leaked on tumblr, I just raised both hands to the air because I praised the lord for blessing the world with this song. It sounds like a Christian Rock song o_O Seeing the crotch grabs, the water spits, the Niam foot shuffle things, the Niall jump, Niall doing his Irish dance, Harry's gold boots, Liam break dancing, Louis leaving for a pee break, Niall alone on stage so he called it the "Niall Tour," etc. live....just incredible. All the feels...all of them. The excitement and joy flowing from everyone was just so infectious, and when the stadium did the phone thing where they turn on the flashlight setting and wave it around like twinkling lights I was just just so enchanting.

The stage with the fireworks and the laser lights and the streamers........ughhh just so mesmerizing. I don't think people understand how appreciative and happy these kinds of things make me. If I could sum up my whole experience there → heart eyes emoji. From the time the lights finally dim down and you think to yourself *I've been waiting for this moment for a LONG time*, to the end when you break down in tears because you don't want this moment to end, words cannot describe how grateful I am to be able to experience one of their concerts in person. 

Best. Night. Ever.

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Back to being a "Debbie Downer"

Song of the Post: Divorce and the American South
     artist: Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties
     album: We Don't Have Each Other

 Learn how to download here

DISCLAIMER: This is a depressing and sad post so you don't have to read this if you don't want to. I'm just venting out and expressing my opinion.

Salutations fellow internet people!
WOOO HOORAY FOR UNSCHEDULED POSTING! **please note the sarcasm before it gets awkward** It's funny because I have a whole bunch of mini posts that I type in the notes in my phone because I always forget to actually write them on my blog so HERE IT IS!

S/N (that means 'side note') Check out the album, We Don't Have Each Other, by Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties ☺ His songs may be super depressing, but they are AMAZING!

Anywho...lately, I've been feeling really down. Hopeless, crushed, and defeated to be a little more specific ☹ I've been staying up until 2 am everyday. It's not that I don't want to fall asleep, it's that I can't fall asleep. I look in the mirror and hate who I am, so I binge eat. Soon enough, I realize what I'm doing so I starve myself. Curse the people who can effortlessly pull off anything. I'm not getting anything done. I'm not being productive. I'm obsessing over friends who most likely don't care for me. I try too hard to talk to people, but because of that it seems like I'm arrogant and awkward when attempting to socialize so I just stop talking in general. I hold myself back from so many things in fear of judgement, not only from others but also from myself. I delete and throw away projects that seem dumb after finishing them because I feel like I've failed. It's like I get so close, yet I manage to screw myself over and mess up my whole opportunity. My parents freak out when they see the tiniest of scratches on me (because I scar easily) so they automatically assume I went back to my old ways and think I'm some sort of suicidal mess. (That's their opinion, not mine) I'm sick of my mood swings and I'm sick of who I am.
Why do I even bother trying?

I'm so sorry that most of my posts are really sad and depressing, but that's just...well...me. This is my life and I'm choosing to use this blog as a way to vent. I'm open to any advice from anyone who is out there.
Not gonna lie, it would be nice to look back and see how I transitioned from the sad being that I am now to a happy and healthy person sometime in the future. But who knows what my future is going to be like? I'm not going to force myself to be happy on my own blog I already do that in real life.

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Multiple Crushes Pt.2

Song of the Post: Bring Me To Life
     artist: Evanescence
     album: Fallen

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
So....I have more than one crush currently (Two to be exact). One I "met" in religious class and one I'm sorta friends with, but BOTH I have stalked on pretty much every social media platform. It sounds creepy, but honestly, who HASN'T stalked their crush online AT LEAST once. Those who deny are liars. Because I'm a turnip and can't properly socialize with human beings, I've had pretty bad first impressions with both of these gentlemen. (This is part 2)
So the guy that I'm sorta friends with (let's call him Ryan) is someone who always catches me at the wrong times. It all started when I was sleeping over a friend's house. It was me, Ryan, 4 other girls, and 4 other guys. It was my first time meeting Ryan and 3 others. When Ryan arrived I was baffled. Typical punk rock kid, always wore a beanie, and what really got me was that he had an accent. A FREAKIN ACCENT. He has one of those really innocent-looking faces and his teeth are perfect. The need to run my fingers through his curly hair was engulfing me. I was the only one to figure out what kind of accent he had out of everyone at the house (I take pride in that). Skip forward to later that night when were eating pizza for dinner, a guy friend and I were joking around and started singing "After Ever After" by Paint. Ryan interrupted our jam session, kind of shocked that I knew that song word for word. I could tell he was excited and impressed that I did and proceeded to sing along with us. Obviously we annoyed, yet entertained everyone at the table but I could care less. After dinner, the fire pit was lighted and we were able to roast marshmallows to make s'mores. One of the boys started playing "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne. Everyone sang along and I just awkwardly sat there because I didn't know that song at the time (about a year ago). Ryan noticed and we had a long dispute if it was socially acceptable or not for me to not know that song. Things got even more awkward when Ryan's beanie fell off his head and a condom was in it. I don't think he knew it was in there because he made eye contact with one of the guys there and punched him in the arm. Me being me got really flustered and luckily you couldn't see me blushing since the only light outside was the fire. After that I barely saw him except with the occasional greetings because I was close friends with one of his best friends. Skip to a year later (which is now), I had English class with Ryan. Again, barely any small interactions between us. It wasn't until the end of the year that I got his number from a mutual friend of ours to ask him for advice. A mutual guy friend keeps bothering me and touching me AND he has a girlfriend who he wants me to meet in the city. After that talk, I guess we're friends? We would have Snapchat conversations late at night (he would always fall asleep first) sometimes and during finals week we would sometimes have study sessions with friends over Skype. I know for sure that both of them are EXTREMELY out of my league, but a girl can dream.

I hate crushes.

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Multiple Crushes Pt.1

Song of the Post: This is Gospel
     artist: Panic! At The Disco
     album: Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die!

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
So....I have more than one crush currently (Two to be exact). One I "met" in religious class and one I'm sorta friends with, but BOTH I have stalked on pretty much every social media platform. It sounds creepy, but honestly, who HASN'T stalked their crush online AT LEAST once. Those who deny are liars. Because I'm a turnip and can't properly socialize with human beings, I've had pretty bad first impressions with both of these gentlemen.
The guy from religious class (let's call him Ray) is someone I think I've talk to a total of 5 times. Each response of mine being no more than 4 words. I want to hide in an eggshell I'm so awkward. Okay, so when I first met him, it was a church field trip to the city pass out sandwiches and socks to the homeless. I was already missing out on a sports competition that put me at risk, and then my mom LITERALLY spent the WHOLE time talking about how I should be "more social" with other church kids that are going. She doesn't consider the fact that I've already tried (and failed) before and they already have their own cliques. So it was a double whammy to make me really upset. For moral support, and also to give me someone to talk to, my sister tagged along to help. Before heading out to the city, we had to assemble the sandwiches and distribute an even amount of bags for each kid to pass out when we arrive. My sister being her perfect self already made friends with the people there while I was pretty much a ghost in the room. I glanced at my mom who was making her stupid "matchmaking" gestures toward some guy who was assembling sandwiches at a table. This guy was Ray. He is tall, athletic, and legit looks like a model. He has one of those contagious smiles and a laugh that catches people's attention. Him being Asian was also a plus. When we left the church to meet at the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit...it's kinda like a train) station, my mom spent the whole car ride complaining that I'm so unsocial, that no one will like me if I keep wearing the clothes I wear, and that I need to talk to boys if I ever want a future. What really got to me was when she said "You need to be JUST LIKE your sister. She is perfect." At that point I cried. I was already stressed about school, missing the competition, and I'm aware of how I am but her reassurance just pushed me over my line of emotional stability. I was sour, upset, and I didn't want to talk to anyone after my mom's "pep talk." While waiting for the train, Ray's friend approached my sister and started chatting her up. Ray soon followed and stood next to his friend not saying anything, pretty much mirroring the position I was in with my sister. Of course a cute guy just HAD to stand directly in front of me while I'm a hot mess. Ray's friend asked if we were friends, and my sister told him that we were sisters. He couldn't really tell because I was staring at the ground the whole time (although I do this all the time) so I looked up and gave them both a small smile despite my swollen eyes. That was when I saw Ray kinda smile back at me and I temporarily forgot how to breathe before looking back down. And SURPRISE! Our benches on BART faced each other so they sat across from us so that Ray's friend could keep talking to my sister. I shoved my earphones in my ears, blasted music, and just stared out the window to avoid socializing with anyone. It wasn't until my sister tapped my shoulder asking if I was okay that I realized I was crying again. I hastily wiped my face with my jacket sleeves and turned back to the window because I didn't want Ray or his friend to see me. Again, I wanted to hide in an eggshell. I would secretly steal glances at Ray through his reflection in the window glass because I was mesmerized by his attractiveness. After a whole day of having to stand, walk, and sit near this guy was intimidating and embarrassing for me. On the train ride back home from the city, Ray's friend still invited both me and my sister to eat lunch with them even after an awkward explanation that my sister already has a boyfriend. We ended up not going.
SO MUCH FOR A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION OH MY GOSH I WANT TO DIE. Ever since, my connection with him has always been the same: me admiring him from a distance. The closest I've ever gotten to Ray was our last day in religious ed. We all had to dress up semi-formally, and it was one of those rare occasions where I actually felt pretty. It was only me, Ray, and two other people in our group, and Ray tried motivating and pumping us up for the end. I only smiled back or cheered with him each time because I was too afraid to talk to him.
That's pretty much it. Never had a conversation with him. Never properly introduced myself. Only admired from afar. It's odd because I'm somewhat friends with his best friends but I never met him and yeah it's complicated. If I ever want to see him again, I just have to rely on luck or stalk him because we go to different schools.
I hate crushes.

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Movies, YouTube, and So Much More...

Song of the Post: Thnks Fr Th Mmrs
     artist: Fall Out Boy
     album: Infinity On High

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
The more I see the title of my blog, the more I am starting to hate it. I honestly suck at writing posts, but I feel like I should today because ALOT has been going on lately. (This is pretty much just going to be my train of thought)
So school ended! YAY! Am I happy? Happy that it's over. Am I excited for summer? Ehhh not really. I have AP homework for a class I didn't know I was enrolled in and I don't have a set schedule so my first day is going to be a blast! **note the sarcasm** -.- But I'm sure the rest of my summer will go swimmingly. I'm mostly hoping I ACTUALLY get to exercise a bit more because I'm so unhappy with myself. I've been switching off between overeating and starving and I can't take it anymore. Also, my sleep schedule is wacky because I either can't sleep or I'm having a Snapchat conversation with a friend.
As I've done my whole life, I've spent most of my summer so far on the internet. Tumblr, Netflix, and YouTube are my most visited. I was able to watch multiple movies, all of which I enjoyed. Tumblr is just.......Tumblr. And watching so many YouTube videos kinda makes me want to start making videos on my own channel again. Way back when, my best friend and I started a YouTube channel together and would just posts whatever WE thought was cool. We used my HP camera and her FlipCam to record vlogs of us walking home from school, going shopping, going to festivals, and just recording our adventures together. I ended up using my camera for Yearbook in school and didn't realize that all of our vlogs were erased when I plugged it into the school computers. And what made matters worse was that her FlipCam broke and wouldn't upload anything onto any device. Overtime, we both kinda drifted apart and never made a video ever again. Sometimes I look back at our old videos and just cringe at our younger selves, but I get really emotional because I really, truly miss how happy I was doing it.
I don't actually say this out loud, but I do think about it ALL THE TIME: I feel like I was destined to do something so much more than what I am doing now. I feel arrogant whenever I talk about it, but I just feel like I need to something impacting and really just get myself out there in the world. I don't really know if anyone else has this same feeling, but I don't know, I've had this same thought in my head since I could remember.
I've been binge watching Dan Howell (Danisnotonfire) on YouTube lately. On top of being pretty much a God with a British accent, he's a nerd and I love it. I can relate to his awkwardness, and I think that's the point of YouTube. To connect with others of same personalities or interests or whatever, and to let people know that they aren't the only ones. Looking back at what I just typed, those two sentences don't make sense together but at the same time it does....I'll just leave it to interpretation. Anyways, my sister has been bugging me about how I'm going to prom this upcoming school year and IS DYING to go dress shopping with me. Little does she know that I've already chosen one that fits me perfectly, is completely free of cost, and I have it in my possession. I'm just keeping it a secret because I enjoy trying on clothes and fancy dresses ☺ It got me thinking of who I could possibly go to prom with. I'm not the most attractive person, I'm socially awkward, and my height isn't very suitable for most individuals. I had considered taking my chances and doing a promposal for a YouTuber, but after self-evaluation, I've decided that they're better off without me begging them to go to prom with me and my beanstalk of a personality.
Oh! I've been driving alot more lately since it's summer! I just REALLY suck at parking. Parking will be the death of me just UGH. Since I don't have to stress about school, I've been taking time in the morning to actually look presentable. I wear makeup and decent clothes now! Before, I would only do it on the weekends, but now it's an everyday thing and it feels nice to pamper myself each day after a whole school year of dressing in essentially the same thing everyday (sweaters, jeans, t-shirts, converse/vans, etc) with only mascara on my face. The immediate feeling of power I get when I put on lipstick is just heart-eyes emoji. Oh gosh I actually typed that...I'll see myself out. No but seriously I love wearing lipstick. I never really realized that literally all of the makeup I wear is matte. Oh well! It may not seem like a big deal for me to dress nice, but to me it is. I don't know why I do this and I want to stop, but whenever I doll myself up the way I like on a school day, I give stupid excuses as to why I'm dressed that way that day. It usually falls along the lines of: not finding "normal" clothes to wear, having a presentation in one of my classes, having family over after school, or because I was "forced" to look nice. In reality, I WANTED and CHOSE to look nice that day. I just don't feel comfortable telling people that because I expect responses like "why don't you choose to do that everyday?" or "are you dressing like that to impress someone?" **sigh** Why can't I be normal?
Well that's all I got for right now, I guess. How was your school year? Anything exciting for summer? SHOULD I resume my channel and start making videos again? If you had a channel, what would YOU do? Any future plans/past experiences with prom?

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Coding and Blue Hair?

Song of the Post: Ooh Child
     artist: The Five Stairsteps
     album: Step By Step By Step / Awesome Mix Vol. 1 (Guardians of the Galaxy)

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
Holy moley it's been a while o_O (Sorry about that). So as it may (or may not) have been previously stated in some of my earlier posts, but I want to go into coding and/or programming when I get into college. This makes sense, but at the same time it doesn't. I'm CONSTANTLY online, playing around with HTML, sometimes customizing my tumblr, so it would make sense that I would go into Computers as a major, right? My dad has been pushing and prodding me into registering for this competition for students ages 9-18 called Break Into Code. Basically, you're given a basic game concept and it's your job to customize and renovate it to your liking and make it enjoyable/fun to play, regardless of your level of coding. It's like you're creating your own game. The first place winner gets $3,000. It seems like a fun contest, but when I followed the steps to start, it was as confusing as trying to escape the Labyrinth. It's possible, but it just takes some time. The layout of the customizer for beginners and the tutorial given was not helpful at all (it confused me even more) and it would've been easier if I could just play around and figure it all out on my own. **please note that this is just my personal opinion** If this is how coding and programming works, then I don't think I want to pursue it as a career, but then again it could just be the way that it's set up that I'm not appreciative of. When I use General Assembly, I have a blast learning and I actually retain some information on how to build and design websites! I decided not to continue on in the competition because it doesn't seem very appealing to me and if I'm going to put that much effort into something, I want it to be enjoyable. My father fails to see that, but I just gotta Keep Moving Forward. (Meet the Robinsons reference ;) )
I was also thinking about tinting my hair blue. I've been wanting to dye my hair an unnatural color for as long as I could remember, but I could never do it because I have to look "professional" for theater performances and dance competitions. Now that I'm not as involved and summer is coming up soon, I think I'm just going to keep it black, but tint it so that it looks dark blue in the sun☺☼ Then again, I'm not so sure because I'm afraid the dye will rub off EVERYWHERE. Well, I have some time to figure things out....

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Life Lesson From Sports Essay?

Song of the Post: Rhythm Of Love
     artist: Plain White T's
     album: Wonders of the Younger

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
It's close to the end of the school year meaning teachers will pile all the work and lessons they procrastinated in teaching you earlier onto you all at once. Two to three different lessons per week, hours of homework after school, plus any extra-curricular activities you may be involved in. Overall, it's stressful and overbearing! 
In English we had to research and write a persuasive essay. I wrote mine about the effects of competitive parents and why they shouldn't force their kids into sports. Writing and reading an essay about sports helps me realize how useless I am. I can't do anything. I'm not good at anything. I try to expand my interests, but with my fear of failure, I never have the drive to actually try it. When I finally build up the courage to attempt to do that certain activity, I feel like I try way too hard to be decent at something i know i completely suck at. That's also my viewpoint on my own life. I try way too hard to be happy and satisfy my parents' expectations that it takes the joy out of it. It becomes a chore. I put so much effort into making my parents proud, but it's a hard goal to accomplish when all you do is fail. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so fed up with life that all I want to do is wait for it to be over. Nothing seems worth it to continue living for. Let the universe just take me and eat me alive. Let society crush me to smithereens so that I have an excuse to lock myself away from the world. 

Completely off topic…I hate but love hot weather. I love being warm all the time, but I hate the what because it means I have to wear shorts, skirts, tank tops, and short sleeved shirts. It also means everyone gets to see me sweat like a pig which is just peachy **note the sarcasm** The seasons of warm weather brings allergies, infestations of bugs, unintentional and unnecessary tanning (I'm dark enough as is), and bring on the endless putdowns from my mother. Her degrading comments become endless. A blackhole, full of nothing but fear and darkness. Discouraging to my attempts to be who I am, and contradicting to her saying that I should be happy with myself. She also calls me stupid and says that I'll never get into the college of my dreams so I might as well start planning on attending a community college since it matches my level of intelligence.

I deeply and sincerely apologize for those out there who think that my posts are super depressing (probably because they are), but I can't write about the joys of life if there currently aren't any. I'm just waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel to appear.

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl