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Salutations fellow internet people!
As you can see from the title, I have full-filled one of my New Year's Resolutions :)
It might actually be one of the first resolutions I've ever completed!
"What was your resolution?" some may ask.
Well, my resolution is actually very personal to me. It was to come clean to my mother about my struggles in life and how I feel about everything that's going on right now.
For some people, this may not be a huge deal, but to me, it's like walking on a tightrope. My mom is a very dramatic person, so I was afraid to witness her reaction in person; thus, I wrote a letter and waited until I was gone for the weekend (this weekend 2/6-2/8) to "give" it to her. Before I left, I put it on her sink so that when she got home from dropping it off she would see it.
This is what I wrote:
Dear Mom,
Hi. I know this is a bit odd, but this is only because if I told you in-person, I physically wouldn’t be able to finish completely. No this is not a suicide letter. This is my New Year’s Resolution. I decided it was time that I told someone and got help, so here it is. My New Year’s Resolution is to come clean. I’m tired of not being able to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night crying due to bad dreams about my issues (which will be discussed shortly), putting on a brave face everyday when I wake up, and pretending to be happy all the time. Tired of constantly being unsatisfied with who I am and the way I am. Tired of comparing myself to others, thus dropping down to a lower state of happiness. I’m tired of trying. Trying to make everyone happy. Trying to be the daughter you always wanted me to be, but I’ll never be good enough. I’ve known that for the longest time. Ever since elementary school, I was never really the same. I developed trust issues and low self-esteem. I truly never feel like I fit in, like I’m the constant elephant in the room. I’m afraid of making new friends because I always think it’ll end up like my friendship with Michelle, Jane, Nancy, and Kelsey. When Patty and Tori made a comment about my thighs, I never really appreciated my body. I tried to be the cute girl in shorts and dresses and skirts like you wanted, but I never felt that way. Even to this day, every time I look in the mirror I see a stranger. A familiar stranger. It’s me, but not me. I see a girl with receding hairlines, acne covered face, huge nose, pudgy stomach, ugly scars everywhere, and huge stumpy legs. I never see the good in myself, only the flaws. I try to fix these flaws, but I always fail. I’m constantly cautious and really judgemental with every mistake I make. I’ll try to use makeup to conceal my face, but then it might look like I’m trying to hard, but if I don’t then everyone is going to see everything. There will be random times of the day when my mind just switches gears and I hear all these bad names running through my head: fat, stupid, worthless, selfish, spoiled, useless, try hard, untrustworthy, fake, depressed, miserable, flawed, unsocial, trash, a mistake, ugly, liar, a disappointment, untalented, immature, overly dramatic, paranoid, attention seeker, anorexic, temperamental, not good enough, and the worst of all...insecure. I hate the word “insecure.” But yes, those words DO run through my head, everyday. Everyday is so nerve wracking because I want to make YOU happy. To be the skinny, happy, social, smart girl you’ve always wanted me to be. But it’s hard. It’s hard to see the good when I only see the bad. So, middle school days, I skipped breakfast and lunch so that I could lose weight. It sorta worked...but people thought I was anorexic. It didn’t help that I have GERD and that I was going through my emo/scene phase at the same time. I didn’t see it as starving myself, I saw it the way you do….going on a family diet, but for just one family member. What really hit me hard was when Holly had her birthday sleepover in 6th grade and all the KTTS girls came. When I walked out of the room to use the bathroom, I heard them talking about me when I was about the re-enter the room. To sum it up, they called me a ‘try hard.’ I sucked it up and pretended everything was fine because I knew you wanted me to have more friends. So for a while, I stayed friends with them in KTTS but was never truly comfortable being around them. I had that same feeling you get when Barry (my cat) is being too affectionate….that feeling that you know something bad will happen if you make the wrong move. When Barry attacks, it’s the scariest thing ever and it hurts so much, especially when he does the “feetsies.” Back in 8th grade, you and Kira always rushed out the door causing Barry to escape fairly often. One particular morning, he was irritated and just wanted to go outside. You and Kira were already out the door, leaving me to get Barry from the bushes. As I reached down to grab him, he latched onto my arm and started to “feetsie” my arm creating multiple scratch marks on my left arm. I dumped him inside the house, grabbed my backpack and ran to Patty’s house to go to school. She saw my arm and got really worried, making me really confused. I looked down and realized that not only was my arm bleeding, but the scratch marks looked like I cut myself (as in self harm). Of course, rumors went around that not only was I anorexic but I was also emo. That was peachy. I was so sick of rumors and gossip that I made a stupid decision “why not make them true.” Yes mother. It kills me to say this but I’m ready to admit it. I used to cut. I didn’t use actual blades because that would mean deep scars. I used pins to make thin scratch marks until it turned red, but not necessarily bleeding. I would hide them with the rubber bracelets but it worsened when I found out I was allergic to the latex. Don’t worry, I’ve stopped around 9th grade, but yes earlier this year when you saw the 4 perfectly equidistant lines on my wrist, I did ‘cut.’ It was August 30, 2012 that I told Patty about almost everything, just mainly about how unhappy I was with myself and how I’ll never be good enough for you and I told her about my issue with my wrists. Beforehand, I used to look up all these different disorders and symptoms of depression and anxiety. I even went as far as taking official online tests to see which ones I had. The only ones that were positive were depression and BDD (body dysmorphic disorder). We had a deep discussion that involved a lot of crying and what not. I found out a couple things about her too, but that is not for me to tell. When you told me I may be depressed earlier this year, it was both relieving and suffocating at the same time. Relieving because it was that second voice confirming that it’s true, but suffocating because I was/am depressed. I know I am loved but I don’t feel like they do. I know doing something will make me feel better, but I just don’t know how to. I know I’ll be okay, but I still feel awful. I want to be well, but I just can’t seem to get there. So here it is. Here’s my final conclusion: I am not anorexic, but I do skip meals to become skinnier. (That’s why I wanted a gym membership, to hopefully size down). I have trust and friend issues. I am unsocial. I am not happy with myself. I may possibly be depressed and have BDD. It emotionally hurts everytime I look at myself in a mirror. I change who I am to make others happy. I fake my happiness every single day. I’m tired of constantly trying knowing that I won’t succeed. I’ll never be good enough for you.
I love you.
P.S. Here are screenshots of some of my results from the quizzes that I took. It scares me how COMPLETELY 100% accurate they are. 
While I was away, I had the chance to confess to a priest about my sins for reconciliation, meaning I told him about my situation with my mother and he would give me advice on what to do and what prayers I need to pray for penance to abolish all my sins.
It wasn't until I finished my confession about my mother that I realized that I was crying because it's something that truly bothers me and I want to fix it.
When I finally came back today (Sunday), Mom didn't even address the situation, which worried me. What if she didn't see the letter? What if she's mad at me?
It wasn't until later tonight that she came into my room and brought it up. She said that she got my letter.......That's it.
She did absolutely nothing about it. I feel so disappointed and discouraged.
Instead of bringing me a couple steps toward healing, I took 20 steps backwards because not only does she know, but she doesn't see it as a big deal.
Any advice?
Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!
<3 The Little Fangirl
