Movies, YouTube, and So Much More...

Song of the Post: Thnks Fr Th Mmrs
     artist: Fall Out Boy
     album: Infinity On High

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
The more I see the title of my blog, the more I am starting to hate it. I honestly suck at writing posts, but I feel like I should today because ALOT has been going on lately. (This is pretty much just going to be my train of thought)
So school ended! YAY! Am I happy? Happy that it's over. Am I excited for summer? Ehhh not really. I have AP homework for a class I didn't know I was enrolled in and I don't have a set schedule so my first day is going to be a blast! **note the sarcasm** -.- But I'm sure the rest of my summer will go swimmingly. I'm mostly hoping I ACTUALLY get to exercise a bit more because I'm so unhappy with myself. I've been switching off between overeating and starving and I can't take it anymore. Also, my sleep schedule is wacky because I either can't sleep or I'm having a Snapchat conversation with a friend.
As I've done my whole life, I've spent most of my summer so far on the internet. Tumblr, Netflix, and YouTube are my most visited. I was able to watch multiple movies, all of which I enjoyed. Tumblr is just.......Tumblr. And watching so many YouTube videos kinda makes me want to start making videos on my own channel again. Way back when, my best friend and I started a YouTube channel together and would just posts whatever WE thought was cool. We used my HP camera and her FlipCam to record vlogs of us walking home from school, going shopping, going to festivals, and just recording our adventures together. I ended up using my camera for Yearbook in school and didn't realize that all of our vlogs were erased when I plugged it into the school computers. And what made matters worse was that her FlipCam broke and wouldn't upload anything onto any device. Overtime, we both kinda drifted apart and never made a video ever again. Sometimes I look back at our old videos and just cringe at our younger selves, but I get really emotional because I really, truly miss how happy I was doing it.
I don't actually say this out loud, but I do think about it ALL THE TIME: I feel like I was destined to do something so much more than what I am doing now. I feel arrogant whenever I talk about it, but I just feel like I need to something impacting and really just get myself out there in the world. I don't really know if anyone else has this same feeling, but I don't know, I've had this same thought in my head since I could remember.
I've been binge watching Dan Howell (Danisnotonfire) on YouTube lately. On top of being pretty much a God with a British accent, he's a nerd and I love it. I can relate to his awkwardness, and I think that's the point of YouTube. To connect with others of same personalities or interests or whatever, and to let people know that they aren't the only ones. Looking back at what I just typed, those two sentences don't make sense together but at the same time it does....I'll just leave it to interpretation. Anyways, my sister has been bugging me about how I'm going to prom this upcoming school year and IS DYING to go dress shopping with me. Little does she know that I've already chosen one that fits me perfectly, is completely free of cost, and I have it in my possession. I'm just keeping it a secret because I enjoy trying on clothes and fancy dresses ☺ It got me thinking of who I could possibly go to prom with. I'm not the most attractive person, I'm socially awkward, and my height isn't very suitable for most individuals. I had considered taking my chances and doing a promposal for a YouTuber, but after self-evaluation, I've decided that they're better off without me begging them to go to prom with me and my beanstalk of a personality.
Oh! I've been driving alot more lately since it's summer! I just REALLY suck at parking. Parking will be the death of me just UGH. Since I don't have to stress about school, I've been taking time in the morning to actually look presentable. I wear makeup and decent clothes now! Before, I would only do it on the weekends, but now it's an everyday thing and it feels nice to pamper myself each day after a whole school year of dressing in essentially the same thing everyday (sweaters, jeans, t-shirts, converse/vans, etc) with only mascara on my face. The immediate feeling of power I get when I put on lipstick is just heart-eyes emoji. Oh gosh I actually typed that...I'll see myself out. No but seriously I love wearing lipstick. I never really realized that literally all of the makeup I wear is matte. Oh well! It may not seem like a big deal for me to dress nice, but to me it is. I don't know why I do this and I want to stop, but whenever I doll myself up the way I like on a school day, I give stupid excuses as to why I'm dressed that way that day. It usually falls along the lines of: not finding "normal" clothes to wear, having a presentation in one of my classes, having family over after school, or because I was "forced" to look nice. In reality, I WANTED and CHOSE to look nice that day. I just don't feel comfortable telling people that because I expect responses like "why don't you choose to do that everyday?" or "are you dressing like that to impress someone?" **sigh** Why can't I be normal?
Well that's all I got for right now, I guess. How was your school year? Anything exciting for summer? SHOULD I resume my channel and start making videos again? If you had a channel, what would YOU do? Any future plans/past experiences with prom?

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Getting Help?

Song of the Post: Murder City
     artist: Green Day 
     album: 21st Century Breakdown 

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!

     So today my father decided to drag me on his walk with my dog. At first, I was reluctant to go because I was in the middle of a REALLY good story, but then I thought "why not?" and got out of bed. I grabbed my headphones and we embarked on our journey. As we were walking, he decided to mention my letter, asking why I wrote it. I was caught off guard and I felt almost embarrassed for some odd reason. Then, multiple questions just kept coming out of his mouth, one after the other, like a machine gun. I felt so pressured and I admit, I teared up a couple times, but only because he would ask why I felt certain ways about my past. One part of the conversation really stood out to me though. He asked what I thought depression was. After explaining it using really bad analogies because I can't relate it to anything normal, Dad had told me his story of living with depression in his teen years. 

     Then came the dreaded question...."Do you want to go to therapy?" I wasn't really sure what to say. I feel like I need to because it would help me be able to breathe a little better when I get this all off my chest, but I don't want them to spend any more money. But more importantly, I don't want to embarrass my family. I can already hear it now, "Did you hear that **insert my name here** is in therapy? I bet she's a suicidal emo. Don't even bother talking to that freak." I know that may seem a little extreme, but where I live, being different is pretty much frowned upon.  

     So I guess what I'm trying to say is....Should I actually go to therapy?

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

New Year's Resolution Full-Filled

Song of the Post: Thinking Out Loud
     artist: Ed Sheeran 
     album: X (Ed Sheeran 2014)

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
As you can see from the title, I have full-filled one of my New Year's Resolutions :) 
It might actually be one of the first resolutions I've ever completed!
"What was your resolution?" some may ask.
Well, my resolution is actually very personal to me. It was to come clean to my mother about my struggles in life and how I feel about everything that's going on right now.
For some people, this may not be a huge deal, but to me, it's like walking on a tightrope. My mom is a very dramatic person, so I was afraid to witness her reaction in person; thus, I wrote a letter and waited until I was gone for the weekend (this weekend 2/6-2/8) to "give" it to her. Before I left, I put it on her sink so that when she got home from dropping it off she would see it. 
This is what I wrote:
                                                                                

Dear Mom,

Hi. I know this is a bit odd, but this is only because if I told you in-person, I physically wouldn’t be able to finish completely. No this is not a suicide letter. This is my New Year’s Resolution. I decided it was time that I told someone and got help, so here it is. My New Year’s Resolution is to come clean. I’m tired of not being able to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night crying due to bad dreams about my issues (which will be discussed shortly), putting on a brave face everyday when I wake up, and pretending to be happy all the time. Tired of constantly being unsatisfied with who I am and the way I am. Tired of comparing myself to others, thus dropping down to a lower state of happiness. I’m tired of trying. Trying to make everyone happy. Trying to be the daughter you always wanted me to be, but I’ll never be good enough. I’ve known that for the longest time. Ever since elementary school, I was never really the same. I developed trust issues and low self-esteem. I truly never feel like I fit in, like I’m the constant elephant in the room. I’m afraid of making new friends because I always think it’ll end up like my friendship with Michelle, Jane, Nancy, and Kelsey. When Patty and Tori made a comment about my thighs, I never really appreciated my body. I tried to be the cute girl in shorts and dresses and skirts like you wanted, but I never felt that way. Even to this day, every time I look in the mirror I see a stranger. A familiar stranger. It’s me, but not me. I see a girl with receding hairlines, acne covered face, huge nose, pudgy stomach, ugly scars everywhere, and huge stumpy legs. I never see the good in myself, only the flaws. I try to fix these flaws, but I always fail. I’m constantly cautious and really judgemental with every mistake I make. I’ll try to use makeup to conceal my face, but then it might look like I’m trying to hard, but if I don’t then everyone is going to see everything. There will be random times of the day when my mind just switches gears and I hear all these bad names running through my head: fat, stupid, worthless, selfish, spoiled, useless, try hard, untrustworthy, fake, depressed, miserable, flawed, unsocial, trash, a mistake, ugly, liar, a disappointment, untalented, immature, overly dramatic, paranoid, attention seeker, anorexic, temperamental, not good enough, and the worst of all...insecure. I hate the word “insecure.” But yes, those words DO run through my head, everyday. Everyday is so nerve wracking because I want to make YOU happy. To be the skinny, happy, social, smart girl you’ve always wanted me to be. But it’s hard. It’s hard to see the good when I only see the bad. So, middle school days, I skipped breakfast and lunch so that I could lose weight. It sorta worked...but people thought I was anorexic. It didn’t help that I have GERD and that I was going through my emo/scene phase at the same time. I didn’t see it as starving myself, I saw it the way you do….going on a family diet, but for just one family member.  What really hit me hard was when Holly had her birthday sleepover in 6th grade and all the KTTS girls came. When I walked out of the room to use the bathroom, I heard them talking about me when I was about the re-enter the room. To sum it up, they called me a ‘try hard.’ I sucked it up and pretended everything was fine because I knew you wanted me to have more friends. So for a while, I stayed friends with them in KTTS but was never truly comfortable being around them. I had that same feeling you get when Barry (my cat) is being too affectionate….that feeling that you know something bad will happen if you make the wrong move. When Barry attacks, it’s the scariest thing ever and it hurts so much, especially when he does the “feetsies.” Back in 8th grade, you and Kira always rushed out the door causing Barry to escape fairly often. One particular morning, he was irritated and just wanted to go outside. You and Kira were already out the door, leaving me to get Barry from the bushes. As I reached down to grab him, he latched onto my arm and started to “feetsie” my arm creating multiple scratch marks on my left arm. I dumped him inside the house, grabbed my backpack and ran to Patty’s house to go to school. She saw my arm and got really worried, making me really confused. I looked down and realized that not only was my arm bleeding, but the scratch marks looked like I cut myself (as in self harm). Of course, rumors went around that not only was I anorexic but I was also emo. That was peachy. I was so sick of rumors and gossip that I made a stupid decision “why not make them true.” Yes mother. It kills me to say this but I’m ready to admit it. I used to cut. I didn’t use actual blades because that would mean deep scars. I used pins to make thin scratch marks until it turned red, but not necessarily bleeding. I would hide them with the rubber bracelets but it worsened when I found out I was allergic to the latex. Don’t worry, I’ve stopped around 9th grade, but yes earlier this year when you saw the 4 perfectly equidistant lines on my wrist, I did ‘cut.’ It was August 30, 2012 that I told Patty about almost everything, just mainly about how unhappy I was with myself and how I’ll never be good enough for you and I told her about my issue with my wrists. Beforehand, I used to look up all these different disorders and symptoms of depression and anxiety. I even went as far as taking official online tests to see which ones I had. The only ones that were positive were depression and BDD (body dysmorphic disorder). We had a deep discussion that involved a lot of crying and what not. I found out a couple things about her too, but that is not for me to tell. When you told me I may be depressed earlier this year, it was both relieving and suffocating at the same time. Relieving because it was that second voice confirming that it’s true, but suffocating because I was/am depressed. I know I am loved but I don’t feel like they do. I know doing something will make me feel better, but I just don’t know how to. I know I’ll be okay, but I still feel awful. I want to be well, but I just can’t seem to get there. So here it is. Here’s my final conclusion: I am not anorexic, but I do skip meals to become skinnier. (That’s why I wanted a gym membership, to hopefully size down). I have trust and friend issues. I am unsocial. I am not happy with myself. I may possibly be depressed and have BDD. It emotionally hurts everytime I look at myself in a mirror. I change who I am to make others happy. I fake my happiness every single day. I’m tired of constantly trying knowing that I won’t succeed. I’ll never be good enough for you.

I love you.

P.S. Here are screenshots of some of my results from the quizzes that I took. It scares me how COMPLETELY 100% accurate they are.  

While I was away, I had the chance to confess to a priest about my sins for reconciliation, meaning I told him about my situation with my mother and he would give me advice on what to do and what prayers I need to pray for penance to abolish all my sins. 

It wasn't until I finished my confession about my mother that I realized that I was crying because it's something that truly bothers me and I want to fix it.

When I finally came back today (Sunday), Mom didn't even address the situation, which worried me. What if she didn't see the letter? What if she's mad at me?

It wasn't until later tonight that she came into my room and brought it up. She said that she got my letter.......That's it.

She did absolutely nothing about it. I feel so disappointed and discouraged.

Instead of bringing me a couple steps toward healing, I took 20 steps backwards because not only does she know, but she doesn't see it as a big deal.

Any advice?

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Sixteenth Journal Entry (Last one in the book)

Song of the Post: I Won't Give Up
     artist: Jason Mraz
     album: Love Is a Four Letter Word

 Learn how to download here

This was my sixteenth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. This is the last entry, so I will start posting mainly on here.

This was when I am was overthinking the consequences of lying. It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

11:35 am
December 11, 2014

     Lying doesn't get you anywhere. Then why do I still do it? I like to think I do it for the benefit of others. To keep them happy, away from something that might trouble their moment of bliss. But it seems I only do it for myself. And it gets me in trouble. Not necessarily with other people, but with myself. I scold myself, like self-punishment. Thinking of how stupid, disappointing, embarrassing, worthless, useless, and screwed up I am. I know I do wrong, others seem to forgive me, but I don't forgive myself.I need to punish myself for my mistakes. They shouldn't have occurred in the first place.
     I have no desire to live. Nothing to live for. My PSAT scores were a blow to the face. It told me I was average, not the 'above and beyond' student my parents wanted me to be. The scores, the letters, the emails, they're all just a big reminder of how I'm not good enough. How I'll never be successful in life because I don't stand out. I never actually did well, they just made me believe I did. Not to mention the disappointment and disgust my parents has on their faces when they found out the college stuff was fake.
     I feel like a fake. I am a fake.
                                                                                               
I'm finally done writing my entries and now I'm free to write anything else! Thanks for joining me on my path down memory lane, although it was a bit rough. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Fifteenth Journal Entry

Song of the Post: Even If I Could
     artist: Papa Roach
     album: Avengers Assemble

 Learn how to download here

This was my fifteenth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.

This was when I am was my 'relapse' I guess. I talk about eating problems and old friend issues. It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

12:37 am
December 9, 2014

     I finally built up the courage to delete the message from Michelle, but it didn't get rid of the empty void tugging at my heart. It didn't clean up the mess that is myself. I've been binge eating and drinking huge amounts of junk food lately and I'm not proud. I'm not helping myself or anyone else. It makes Mom sad, causing her to yell at me, causing Dad to yell at me for firing Mom up, causing me to yell and discipline myself. I really shouldn't be eating so much. I'm already as fat as it gets. How am I slimming down by eating more? Why can't I get things right? I'm so done. I'm so empty.
                                                                                              
That wasn't so bad o.o It was.....short. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Fourteenth Journal Entry

Song of the Post: Cool Kids
     artist: Echosmith
     album: Talking Dreams

 Learn how to download here

This was my fourteenth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.

This was when I am was debating whether to kill myself or not because at that point I had no sense of emotion. It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

11:29 pm
December 1, 2014

     I'm not sure which would be an easier way out: accepting who I am or killing myself? Ah who am I kidding....killing myself would be 10x easier. I just don't see the point of me even caring about life right now. Nothing is going alright. I want to ask Dad about the gym membership, bur I know he's not going to take me seriously :( no one does.
     I just found out all the college emails and letters I've been receiving since taking the PSAT were all fake. The invitation to receive my STEM award in Massachusetts was legit, but other people said that colleges only see it as your parents paying for an award. It sucks because they gave me hope that I actually had a chance in pursuing a great career, but no, I guess I'm not. Definitely made me feel a lot worse about my life. I didn't even know that was possible, to stoop lower than I am now, but I guess it is.
     I'm so done with this world. With how I am. With how I feel. Why can't happiness be a thing for me? Why can't I finally learn that this is who I am? Selfish. Worthless. Useless. Untalented. Overweight. Stupid. Nothing. Everyone literally would have a better life without me. No one would care. No one has cared. Their lives wouldn't change. I literally feel my heartbreaking and my throat closing, but no tears come out. This is painful. This is how I am every night.
                                                                                               
I oddly remember writing this. I felt so alone. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Twelfth Journal Entry

Song of the Post: If You Don't Know
     artist: 5 Seconds Of Summer
     album: 5 Seconds Of Summer [it was a self-titled album]

 Learn how to download here

This was my twelfth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.

This was when I am was having an internal war with myself and over thinking pretty much every situation about my life at the time. It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

11:30 pm
November 4, 2014

     I'm so controversial with myself and it's a bit confusing. I point out and emphasize my flaws, but I also try to cheer myself up (not as effective as putting myself down). Also when I fall for someone...I fall hard. They never leave that space in my heart. I thought things like this (a crush) were only supposed to last no more than 2 months. Each crush has lasted years and still continue on but at a smaller amount.
     I know this is wrong and I hate myself for this, but I admit that I'm mad, upset, and jealous that Cassie and Ted may have a thing for each other. It bothers me more than it should seeing that they're both my best friends. I shouldn't be be jealous though, she's obviously the better choice. Why can't I be that perfect? Even if I slimmed down to the perfect body, you can't wash off ugly. Oh and I almost forgot....I'm Asian. There's nothing wrong with that, but since I'm growing up in a white-dominant town, I'm part of the minorities. What was I thinking? Obviously nothing if I could figure that one out. 
     I almost have a feeling that I'm in the front or the middle of dance formations only because they'd feel bad that if I was in the back no one would be able to see me. I'm not a good dancer. Why do people lie to me so much? I'm not good at anything, I'm worthless. Unlovable. I'm the girl that no one wanted to cuddle at Sarah's birthday party, which is kinda depressing. Sarah admitted she liked Logan, but only to me and Bianca. I almost had to admit my feelings about Ted during Truth or Dare, but I was able to get out of the situation. My first kiss was almost going to be Ty, but again I was able to get out of it. That Truth or Dare game was a bit intense. I figured out that Logan has a really nice body. My thighs are 'on-point' according to Ty, but that makes me self-conscious because that's one of the areas I'm most sensitive about.
     I hate how fat I am. Shopping with Mom today was one of the most embarrassing times with her because nothing fit like how it was supposed to....at all. It wasn't because they were baggy, it was because of my body.
                                                                                            
Well it's past midnight and I have school tomorrow so I better get to bed (even though I'm not even tired. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Eleventh Journal Entry

Song of the Post: Amnesia
     artist: 5 Seconds Of Summer
     album: Don't Stop EP / Amnesia EP

 Learn how to download here

This was my eleventh journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.

This was when my closest friend I could ever had (but backstabbed me in 4th grade) sent me a text out of nowhere 5 years later. I felt my heart physically break and I forgot how to breathe when I saw her name on my phone screen. I never replied because it took too much of a toll on me and still does. It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

10:21 pm
October 20, 2014

     Who knew that a single text message could break someone down? One simple, incomplete sentence can tear you to pieces. Michelle texted me saying she was watching Twitches (the movie that created our close bond) and she thought of me....What about all those other 5 years? My birthdays? Every time you listened to Taylor Swift (another bonding element)? My life is ruined and tainted because of her. I thought I could escape those memories but they always seem to haunt me. Just like my thoughts of dying.
     I haven't really noticed how often I think about ways to kill myself and the effects I would cause. Sadly, the death part itself was the most dramatic and changing. No one cared, they would just complain about poor decisions I made. Their truth about me would poor out like a waterfall of words. I honestly think I should go to counseling. I have some sort of depression or social anxiety or attention craving disorder or something. It bothers me because I want someone to talk to but I can never find the right person to talk to, not even Kara. I love Kara and so does my family, but this is something I just can't speak to her about it because I feel like she will judge me. No one would understand. Patty doesn't even know. Mom knows most of what's going on with me, but not the full story and she thinks I'm just being over dramatic.
     I also have this growing desire to do more than life is throwing at me. I feel like I deserve more attention in social medias/the world....to be known....but we all know that's never going to happen. I'm not skinny, pretty, or talented enough to make/do it. I want to dress and look as nice as Mom wants me to, but I can't. I love heels, I love wearing makeup, I love curling my hair, I love dresses, skirts, shorts, rompers,etc. I love them all, but I can't pull hem off. Everything I wear look terrible (including sweats and skinny jeans). It has come to a point where my comfort clothes look hideous on me. It sickens me how much of a fail I am in life. Can someone please end my misery?
                                                                                             
That was a very depressing day for me, and I had such a hard time sleeping that night. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Tenth Journal Entry

Song of the Post: Clouds
     artist: One Direction
     album: Four

 Learn how to download here

This was my eighth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.

This was when I am was having a hard time accepting myself for who I was/am.  I was/am at a low state and I just didn't know what to do. It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

10:42 pm
October 10, 2014

     I feel like I have some psychiatric or mental disorder (no offense to those who actually do). Whenever something tragic, upsetting, or embarrassing happens I leek like I should be punished, thus I create fake sob stories so I could pity myself. For example, today Sarah, Bianca, and I got kicked out of the room we eat lunch in because they begged me to teach them the cool handshake I know. The two laughed it off, but I just faked a laugh to play along. I was crying on the inside. I pitied myself so I started imagining Mom yelling at me for being so disrespectful and refusing to let me hang out with my friends. I don't know why, but I do.
     I don't understand why my friends keep me around. I know for a fact that they are better off without me. I make things awkward. I don't belong. I can't relate to anything they talk about without sounding too arrogant, and I can think of so many things to say but I hold myself back because I'm afraid of saying too much. I'm miserable. I can't do anything right. It has come to a point in life where I cry but no tears come out, just the feeling of my heart breaking and the cruel memories flooding my mind, drowning me in my fears.
     Today in English, we read an article called "Mean Girls" and I couldn't stand it. It was about teen bullying online and in real life. I have experience being both the bully and the victim since an early age. The article mentioned that bullying has long term effects of socialization, and I know exactly what that means. I don't even feel like trying anymore. There's nothing good in the world. It breaks my heart when I lie to my mom saying that I'm happy everyday. I'm not. Not even close. 

                                                                                                
I honestly did and still hate that article. It hit too close to home, and I started getting really nervous and restless in class because I wanted to leave. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Eighth Journal Entry

Song of the Post: Check Yes Juliet
     artist: We The Kings
     album: Check Yes Juliet (Single)

 Learn how to download here

This was my eighth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.

This was when I am was having a hard time studying due to lack of sleep and motivation. My grades weren't bad, but I was having a hard time understanding what was going on. It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

11:15 pm
September 13, 2014

     My life is a complete mess. I screwed up with my English, I'm most likely going to do poorly in Honors Chemistry, I ordered shoes for dance that we might not even use + they don't even look good on my anyways, I'm too caught up in homework, and I am the worst friend ever. I don't know what I was thinking when I got the boots. My legs are too short and fat for it to look even the slightest bit decent. I really hope I get a gym membership soon. The machines motivate me more than running around the neighborhood. I'm just afraid of having people I know see me run then tease and make fun of me at school. And it's so hard to do crunches and pushups at home because there's no space and I get to distracted by other things.
     I don't deserve friends like Sarah, Peter, Andy F., etc (my current group of friends). They're too good for me. I don't even check my phone that often, and when I see their texts from hours earlier, I feel like absolute doo-doo. I'm not even kidding. I don't understand how they've stuck around for so long....or maybe I'm the one clinging onto them. It makes me a bit uncomfortable when people like Brad or Sabrina are mentioned because it makes me think about middle school. Middle school consisted of the absolute worst 3 years of my life. I still can't believe an old friend, Katrina, got me a birthday present though. I haven't talked to her in about a year, yet she gave me a gift. I'm also wondering why, since I've acted like such a spoiled brat and a witch to her and I regret every single second of it.
     Sometimes I wonder how much easier life would be of I were skinnier, stayed at GV Elementary school, stayed in martial arts, took coding classes, continued theater, took singing lessons, continued photography, etc. I'm sure I would be so much better than I am now. I'd probably be a better friend, be a bit more social, a better student, and not an embarrassment in general. I'm a piece of rubbish. I'm good for a select amount of time then dumped and never looked back at again until it's too late and I'm already unchangeable.
                                                                                                                                                
I hope this streak of short entries continue because these are making me even more depressed than I already am just going over them again. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Seventh Journal Entry

Song of the Post: Peacemakers
     artist: Green Day
     album: 21st Century Breakdown

 Learn how to download here

This was my seventh journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.

This was when I am was having an excessive amount of body and mother issues. It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

9:42 pm
September 7, 2014

     Why can't I be Cassie (one of my current best friends)? Great personality, perfect body (in a non-creepy way), easy to get along with....I always see outfits and clothes online but I know I'll never be able to pull them off. 1. I'm way too fat. 2. I don't have the right body proportions. I'm sure if my body evened out, I could dress how Mom would like me to. I would wear boots, shorts, crop tops, heck even dresses or skirts! I don't mind heels....I fancy them quite a bit....but I look horrid in them. I just wish I could've gotten that gym membership. I know it would take me a while to reach my goal, but at least I know I'm going to get there. Sadly, I can kiss that dream goodbye because it's not happening anymore. I know everything happens for a reason, but what's the light at the end of the tunnel for me? What am I good at? Not coding. Not dancing. Not studying. Not pretty. Not skinny. Not perfect. I'm a mistake.

                                                                                                                                                
Definitely one of my shorter ones. I was reading the entry while I was typing, and it made me think of an incident that occurred not too long ago. My dad was driving me to my one and only dance class and we were talking about people in pictures. I'm the least photogenic person you will ever meet and when I mentioned that he said "You're beautiful, you know that?" I've never felt so uncomfortable with him in my entire life. I didn't know how to respond because I know that's his honest opinion but I just....I don't agree with him.
Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Sixth Journal Entry

Song of the Post: Teenagers
     artist: My Chemical Romance
     album: The Black Parade 

 Learn how to download here

This was my fifth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.

This was when I am was having mother issues. It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

11:08 pm
September 1, 2014

     Sorry I haven't really found the time to vent, but it's all on my phone. I seem to think about my death a lot. What would happen if I died? Would anyone grieve? Mourn? Think about how they treated me? Or would I just be another picture on Instagram? Would I be a Twitter trend to get my idols to notice, or one simple retweet?
    I also figured out that Mom has no sentimental value whatsoever. When she throws things away, it stays in my head and bugs me until satisfied. This leads to me constantly hiding everything, even my imperfections. When i do tell her how I feel and what not, she throws my explanations and feelings out the window and proceeds to tell me how my life should fir her standards instead of comforting me. This leads to disclosure and distrust. It's not right to force your kids into things they aren't comfortable with. Almost all sleepovers I've been to, I've cried in my sleep because I never fit in. I could literally leave and no one would bother to look for me. Then when my mother asks how it went, I either lie and make her complain about how I need to develop social skills and would be disgusted by me for lying. Or I could tell the truth and then she'll think I'm lying and repeat the actions above along with forcing me into more social events. Maybe if I had felt more comfortable with trusting her and not trying to change my lifestyles to fit her standards, I would be the happy, nice, obedient daughter she has always wanted, but I'm not. I think she needs to learn to accept that fact that I'm not perfect. I know I'm not skinny, pretty, smart, talented, and so on. I know. At least I'm working on it to make you happy, but you fail to see my attempts and falsely assume something else. Yes, the scars on my wrist are from cutting, but that was because of you and my imperfections. I hate who I am, but I'm willing to change if you give me the chance to do so. 

                                                                                  
You may have caught on by now, but I have some slight 'mommy issues.' And body issues. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Fifth Journal Entry

Song of the Post: Good Girls (Live)
     artist: 5 Seconds Of Summer
     album: LIVESOS

 Learn how to download here

This was my fifth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.

This was when I am was going through a falling out with one of my best friends named Patricia/Patty (pretty much family). It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

12:30 am
August 10, 2014

     Freakin' ticket scalpers took all of the 5sos Rock Out With Your Socks Out Tour North American Leg Pre-sale tickers....all that was left were lawn seats....LAWN SEATS! I had two computers set up and I kept refreshing the page for about 20 min until the sale was actually valid. I hope karma comes to whoever leaked the presale code >:( I don't think I'll ever have the chance to see them live. I don't know why I even think I have a chance seeing them in concert, I can barely get t-shirts or band merch in general because my mom thinks it's "a waste of money" or "you won't wear them anyways because they're hideous" or "that'll make you look like a boy." 
     Cat, Nicole, and that "group of friends" (my old friends who I grew apart from due to drama and gossip) make fun of me for liking 1D, 5sos, and the Vamps. It's weird because at least half of them used to like them too. I also think they know I self-harm, or are at least aware of it :( It was such an awkward party (Cat's birthday party with my old friends)....for me at least. Ever since middle school, I've never really felt like I fit in. I'll be surrounded by friends and/or family but I never feel important, included, or needed. It's like I'm alone in my own dark corner. Even now whenever I'm with people I feel like I'm just....there. If I were to leave, no one would care or notice. Nothing would be different. I just....it's like whenever I' m out in large social groups I get this weird feeling. It's almost the same feeling you get when you are about to tip your chair over or fall down the stairs....but it doesn't stop. It scares me. Is this anxiety? I honestly don't know what to do. 
     I have no future, I'm ugly, fat as a marshmallow, too small to make a difference. I get paranoid too easily too. I let my imagination get the best of me. The smallest things will trigger bad thoughts in my head, and all of a sudden I'm hiding under a blanket or really jumpy. I don't like who I am as a whole. I'm just a glitch. I considered dying different colors at the tips of my hair or cutting it short, but I;m sure that that would make things worse. Maybe counseling would be a good thing.
     I have the tendency to sleep whenever I have conflicts internally or externally. Whenever I'm in distress I just take a nap in hopes it'll disappear....boy am I wrong. But I don't really have any other solution. I also need to do something about my eating habits. The frequency of my chest pains have increased which isn't the greatest (I have gastroesophogal reflux so I'm prone to heartburn). Also, I've been getting really fat everywhere....even more so than I already am. 
     Yeah....counseling....sounds great. I hope they don't put me on anti-depressants. That'll make school issues worse....more judgement....I'll be a freak to everyone (I'm not saying that people who are on anti-depressants are freaks, but through the eyes of the people at my school...it's different from other people, thus you are an outcast).  My happiness would come from a bottle.
     I feel like such a burden to my mom, as if everything I say or do is wrong and I'll be criticized for it. I feel a bit mental right now. My mind is racing from one problem to another. Where is my light at the end of the tunnel? I'm a screw up. I constantly hear Michelle's, Jane's (another old friend), Darren's (another old friend), and so many others' voices in my head telling me they hate me, never want to see me again, I'm a horrible friend, they don't trust me anymore....but what makes it worse os that they actually said some of these things to me. When I look back, it was never really my fault but I still make it so hard to forgive myself. It's haunting and tainting my thoughts. Knowing I'll never be a good or trustworthy friend to anyone anymore because I keep to myself to prevent myself from screwing up again is harder than it sounds. But while doing that, I exclude myself from the world, like sending myself to a corner. I guess I want the attention to fill that void I have from lack of trust in myself. I try too hard and fail miserably every time.

                                                                                                                                            
I never realized how many times I said "myself" o.O Ughh this is draining. Feel free to leave any comment or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Fourth Journal Entry

I think I'm going to start doing a "Song of the Day" on each of my posts....Maybe I'll call them "Song of the Post" and I'll put all the information about it and I'll probably show you how to download it through HTML <- virus free because you extract it from the code.

This was my fourth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.

This was when I am was going through a falling out with one of my best friends named Patricia/Patty (pretty much family). It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

4:23 pm
July 30, 2014

     I hate it when people call 5sos are compared to boybands such as One Direction. Yes they are boys in a band, but they are more like Fall Out Boy or All Time Low, their music style is different. Mom thinks they're going to break up by next year....WHO THINKS THAT WAY AND THEN DISCOURAGES THEIR OWN CHILD LIKE THAT?!? "They aren't popular....They're going to break up by next year, just like Danity Kane or the Pussycat Dolls....They're just a boyband like One Direction...." If she even knew half the things they've done that have helped me.... she would be astonished. They've helped me more than she ever will. I'm glad they're well-known, but not so well-known that social media spreads heartbreaking news about them and 12 year old get all up in their business.
     Yes, 5sos Fam and Directioners collab together.We're the two most dangerous fandoms! That should go on my resume ;) But honestly I'm so done with people reprimanding me because of my music choices. Who knows what'll happen if I tell her about The Vamps! This is how my life is now. My parents criticize my music taste. That's horrible x( Is this really how it's going to be from now on? I like a band and then you proceed to basically bully me about it? Saying they're meaningless, stupid, and then make me feel bad about my choices? My life? That's wrong and shallow on all kinds of levels.

                                                                                  
Yeah this was later that day when I asked for concert tickets....My mom still thinks they aren't going to last long and that I'm wasting my time.... Feel free leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Third Journal Entry

This was my third journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.

This was when I am was going through a falling out with one of my best friends named Patricia/Patty (pretty much family). It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

1:16 am
July 30, 2014

     I think my life is a mistake. As if I should've either died earlier or not have been born in general. I bet if Kira's twin sister had lived in the womb, I wouldn't be here today. Was I just a replacement child? I feel like I'm here just because they needed another child. I don't feel like I fit in with the family. I've got nothing to offer up to the family. No over-above-and-beyond-grades-that-could-get-me-into-any-college. No natural-born talents that can make me a celebrity (like Andy in the Martial Arts world). I can't do any sports, I'm not creative, I suck at writing and speaking -> I always fumble my words (my mind runs faster than my body can do physically). I suck at dancing, singing, and I;m pretty sure my "acting" is just using my projection voice -> which I'm pretty sure is dying down. I literally have nothing to offer to the world. 
     I'm a flawed human being, nothing good about me. A huge nose, bad teeth, weird smile, small sparse lashes, receding hair lines from my parts, pudgy stomach, acne prone face, wide short legs, weird scars in random places, huge pores, and hair that fails to go away.... as hard as I try to shave/pluck/was them smoothly....I always have bumps and it's annoying -.-* Me as a whole is my biggest insecurity. I can't seem to do anything correctly. My life is literally a mess. 
     What quality do I possess that is even remotely useful or good? My laugh? no I cackle like a dying seal.... The fact that almost anyone can take advantage of me? When am I going to be important? When am I going to be the "big impact" on the world? Nonetheless my family or at least people I know. I think that's my problem. I crave attention. It's not like it's a choice, I honestly hate it. But can I help it? No. The thought "why don't they notice me" constantly runs through my head. How do I make it stop? Sometimes I look in the mirror or see my reflection and think, "why do I even try?"

                                                                                  
So that makes 3/14 O.O.... Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Second Journal Entry

This was my second journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.

This was when I am was going through a falling out with one of my best friends named Patricia/Patty (pretty much family). It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

4:01 am
July 27, 2014

     I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I stopped eating and turned into a needy attention whore. I don't know why I long to be known in social medias, to be the girl people wished they paid more attention to. Not necessarily popular at school, but just known. I want to make an impact on the world. To put myself out there, not cooped up constantly in fear of being hurt and judged. It seems as if I can't do anything without someone judging me....harshly. Just jumping to conclusions without thinking about the other options. 
     It's been really hard lately. Uncle John (Patty's father, not actual relative) greeted me today and called me "BFF." It's been about 2 year since I've last been called that special name. They're the only people that call me that. That didn't help much. It just made matters worse in my opinion. I know he didn't do it to intentionally hurt my feelings, but it still hurts. 
     Mom and Kara (my older brother's girlfriend, honorary sister) want me to go to counseling. Should I? Is it that obvious? Am I actually depressed? It's weird to think of myself as depressed. What happened to the bubbly socialite I used to be? Oh yeah, she only appears during school and whenever people are present because she was broken. ditched, and lost in a big, confusing, horrible world. 
     My ring broke earlier, July 26th, at the pool (It was a ring Patty gave me that I wore everyday). I guess it's official....our friendship is broken. It'll never be the same. I'm still keeping, it;s all I have left. Mom threw away my JB material. My life consists only of broken dreams, sentimental objects, and empty memories/promises. A broken ring and t-shirt are what I have to keep from a 7 year friendship.
     I don't even see the point in trying anymore. I can't dance, I get degraded for being on the internet, I get teased for my actions on social medias. I know they're jokes, but they still hurt. I already hate how I look, sound, how I have to pretend to be someone I'm not almost 24/7, it gets tiring. I just want to disappear. Have the universe swallow me whole and take me away from my misery of all these memories. It's taking me over. I'm too afraid to so anything because I don't want to be hurt or judged....again. I'm tired of being used. If I let them in, they'll get too deep and I'll be attached, then hurt all over again. It's a constant fear I can never run from....being hurt....constantly going through that cycle of constantly being let down.
     What hope do I have to look forward to? I have nothing. I'm back to my low state. I cut 2 lines on my wrist on the 24th.... It wasn't very smart knowing that I was seeing my friends the next day....That made me feel dumber and continue to scratch at my wrist. It sounds worse when you say that you're "mutilating" your body, but I guess that's the point, to get people to stop. It's not very effective (?) is that the right one? Is it effect or affect? I can't but feel like I should know this. I'm an idiot. I'll never be good enough for Mom or Dad. Kira (my older sister) is smart and obedient, Andy (my older brother) is responsible for himself mostly and has a passion for martial arts (that clearly loves him back). What do I have? They took away dance and I'm too far behind in computers, too stupid for HTML. My life had been at a constant negative slope and I just want it to stop. 
     I'm the worst daughter ever. I'm unsocial, uncooperative, idiotic, fat, worthless, imperfect, over obsessive, spoiled, untalented, invisible, ugly, an attention whore, basically a big disappointment to this family. I fake my happiness and blame everything on myself. I'm sorry I turned out to be this way. Having to live my life like some sort of big secret. I guess that makes me a liar too. I'm almost 15 years old and I still can't sleep with out ,y security blanket....that's terrifying. 
     I always try to act independent, but that's only because I thought it would make up for all of my flaws, but now I'm slowly starting to realize that it's impossible to make up my picky ways. I'll never be good enough. I genuinely and sincerely try my hardest to please everyone, but no one ever notices. A little recognition couldn't hurt right?
     I can't sleep. I can't eat. I need help, but I just don't want it. 
                                                                                  
So there's the second.... I promise it'll be done soon (just a couple more entries)! I just really need to get these off my chest right now. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl