Back to being a "Debbie Downer"

Song of the Post: Divorce and the American South
     artist: Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties
     album: We Don't Have Each Other

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DISCLAIMER: This is a depressing and sad post so you don't have to read this if you don't want to. I'm just venting out and expressing my opinion.

Salutations fellow internet people!
WOOO HOORAY FOR UNSCHEDULED POSTING! **please note the sarcasm before it gets awkward** It's funny because I have a whole bunch of mini posts that I type in the notes in my phone because I always forget to actually write them on my blog so HERE IT IS!

S/N (that means 'side note') Check out the album, We Don't Have Each Other, by Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties ☺ His songs may be super depressing, but they are AMAZING!

Anywho...lately, I've been feeling really down. Hopeless, crushed, and defeated to be a little more specific ☹ I've been staying up until 2 am everyday. It's not that I don't want to fall asleep, it's that I can't fall asleep. I look in the mirror and hate who I am, so I binge eat. Soon enough, I realize what I'm doing so I starve myself. Curse the people who can effortlessly pull off anything. I'm not getting anything done. I'm not being productive. I'm obsessing over friends who most likely don't care for me. I try too hard to talk to people, but because of that it seems like I'm arrogant and awkward when attempting to socialize so I just stop talking in general. I hold myself back from so many things in fear of judgement, not only from others but also from myself. I delete and throw away projects that seem dumb after finishing them because I feel like I've failed. It's like I get so close, yet I manage to screw myself over and mess up my whole opportunity. My parents freak out when they see the tiniest of scratches on me (because I scar easily) so they automatically assume I went back to my old ways and think I'm some sort of suicidal mess. (That's their opinion, not mine) I'm sick of my mood swings and I'm sick of who I am.
Why do I even bother trying?

I'm so sorry that most of my posts are really sad and depressing, but that's just...well...me. This is my life and I'm choosing to use this blog as a way to vent. I'm open to any advice from anyone who is out there.
Not gonna lie, it would be nice to look back and see how I transitioned from the sad being that I am now to a happy and healthy person sometime in the future. But who knows what my future is going to be like? I'm not going to force myself to be happy on my own blog I already do that in real life.

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Multiple Crushes Pt.2

Song of the Post: Bring Me To Life
     artist: Evanescence
     album: Fallen

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
So....I have more than one crush currently (Two to be exact). One I "met" in religious class and one I'm sorta friends with, but BOTH I have stalked on pretty much every social media platform. It sounds creepy, but honestly, who HASN'T stalked their crush online AT LEAST once. Those who deny are liars. Because I'm a turnip and can't properly socialize with human beings, I've had pretty bad first impressions with both of these gentlemen. (This is part 2)
So the guy that I'm sorta friends with (let's call him Ryan) is someone who always catches me at the wrong times. It all started when I was sleeping over a friend's house. It was me, Ryan, 4 other girls, and 4 other guys. It was my first time meeting Ryan and 3 others. When Ryan arrived I was baffled. Typical punk rock kid, always wore a beanie, and what really got me was that he had an accent. A FREAKIN ACCENT. He has one of those really innocent-looking faces and his teeth are perfect. The need to run my fingers through his curly hair was engulfing me. I was the only one to figure out what kind of accent he had out of everyone at the house (I take pride in that). Skip forward to later that night when were eating pizza for dinner, a guy friend and I were joking around and started singing "After Ever After" by Paint. Ryan interrupted our jam session, kind of shocked that I knew that song word for word. I could tell he was excited and impressed that I did and proceeded to sing along with us. Obviously we annoyed, yet entertained everyone at the table but I could care less. After dinner, the fire pit was lighted and we were able to roast marshmallows to make s'mores. One of the boys started playing "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne. Everyone sang along and I just awkwardly sat there because I didn't know that song at the time (about a year ago). Ryan noticed and we had a long dispute if it was socially acceptable or not for me to not know that song. Things got even more awkward when Ryan's beanie fell off his head and a condom was in it. I don't think he knew it was in there because he made eye contact with one of the guys there and punched him in the arm. Me being me got really flustered and luckily you couldn't see me blushing since the only light outside was the fire. After that I barely saw him except with the occasional greetings because I was close friends with one of his best friends. Skip to a year later (which is now), I had English class with Ryan. Again, barely any small interactions between us. It wasn't until the end of the year that I got his number from a mutual friend of ours to ask him for advice. A mutual guy friend keeps bothering me and touching me AND he has a girlfriend who he wants me to meet in the city. After that talk, I guess we're friends? We would have Snapchat conversations late at night (he would always fall asleep first) sometimes and during finals week we would sometimes have study sessions with friends over Skype. I know for sure that both of them are EXTREMELY out of my league, but a girl can dream.

I hate crushes.

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Multiple Crushes Pt.1

Song of the Post: This is Gospel
     artist: Panic! At The Disco
     album: Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die!

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
So....I have more than one crush currently (Two to be exact). One I "met" in religious class and one I'm sorta friends with, but BOTH I have stalked on pretty much every social media platform. It sounds creepy, but honestly, who HASN'T stalked their crush online AT LEAST once. Those who deny are liars. Because I'm a turnip and can't properly socialize with human beings, I've had pretty bad first impressions with both of these gentlemen.
The guy from religious class (let's call him Ray) is someone I think I've talk to a total of 5 times. Each response of mine being no more than 4 words. I want to hide in an eggshell I'm so awkward. Okay, so when I first met him, it was a church field trip to the city pass out sandwiches and socks to the homeless. I was already missing out on a sports competition that put me at risk, and then my mom LITERALLY spent the WHOLE time talking about how I should be "more social" with other church kids that are going. She doesn't consider the fact that I've already tried (and failed) before and they already have their own cliques. So it was a double whammy to make me really upset. For moral support, and also to give me someone to talk to, my sister tagged along to help. Before heading out to the city, we had to assemble the sandwiches and distribute an even amount of bags for each kid to pass out when we arrive. My sister being her perfect self already made friends with the people there while I was pretty much a ghost in the room. I glanced at my mom who was making her stupid "matchmaking" gestures toward some guy who was assembling sandwiches at a table. This guy was Ray. He is tall, athletic, and legit looks like a model. He has one of those contagious smiles and a laugh that catches people's attention. Him being Asian was also a plus. When we left the church to meet at the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit...it's kinda like a train) station, my mom spent the whole car ride complaining that I'm so unsocial, that no one will like me if I keep wearing the clothes I wear, and that I need to talk to boys if I ever want a future. What really got to me was when she said "You need to be JUST LIKE your sister. She is perfect." At that point I cried. I was already stressed about school, missing the competition, and I'm aware of how I am but her reassurance just pushed me over my line of emotional stability. I was sour, upset, and I didn't want to talk to anyone after my mom's "pep talk." While waiting for the train, Ray's friend approached my sister and started chatting her up. Ray soon followed and stood next to his friend not saying anything, pretty much mirroring the position I was in with my sister. Of course a cute guy just HAD to stand directly in front of me while I'm a hot mess. Ray's friend asked if we were friends, and my sister told him that we were sisters. He couldn't really tell because I was staring at the ground the whole time (although I do this all the time) so I looked up and gave them both a small smile despite my swollen eyes. That was when I saw Ray kinda smile back at me and I temporarily forgot how to breathe before looking back down. And SURPRISE! Our benches on BART faced each other so they sat across from us so that Ray's friend could keep talking to my sister. I shoved my earphones in my ears, blasted music, and just stared out the window to avoid socializing with anyone. It wasn't until my sister tapped my shoulder asking if I was okay that I realized I was crying again. I hastily wiped my face with my jacket sleeves and turned back to the window because I didn't want Ray or his friend to see me. Again, I wanted to hide in an eggshell. I would secretly steal glances at Ray through his reflection in the window glass because I was mesmerized by his attractiveness. After a whole day of having to stand, walk, and sit near this guy was intimidating and embarrassing for me. On the train ride back home from the city, Ray's friend still invited both me and my sister to eat lunch with them even after an awkward explanation that my sister already has a boyfriend. We ended up not going.
SO MUCH FOR A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION OH MY GOSH I WANT TO DIE. Ever since, my connection with him has always been the same: me admiring him from a distance. The closest I've ever gotten to Ray was our last day in religious ed. We all had to dress up semi-formally, and it was one of those rare occasions where I actually felt pretty. It was only me, Ray, and two other people in our group, and Ray tried motivating and pumping us up for the end. I only smiled back or cheered with him each time because I was too afraid to talk to him.
That's pretty much it. Never had a conversation with him. Never properly introduced myself. Only admired from afar. It's odd because I'm somewhat friends with his best friends but I never met him and yeah it's complicated. If I ever want to see him again, I just have to rely on luck or stalk him because we go to different schools.
I hate crushes.

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Sixth Journal Entry

Song of the Post: Teenagers
     artist: My Chemical Romance
     album: The Black Parade 

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This was my fifth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.

This was when I am was having mother issues. It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

11:08 pm
September 1, 2014

     Sorry I haven't really found the time to vent, but it's all on my phone. I seem to think about my death a lot. What would happen if I died? Would anyone grieve? Mourn? Think about how they treated me? Or would I just be another picture on Instagram? Would I be a Twitter trend to get my idols to notice, or one simple retweet?
    I also figured out that Mom has no sentimental value whatsoever. When she throws things away, it stays in my head and bugs me until satisfied. This leads to me constantly hiding everything, even my imperfections. When i do tell her how I feel and what not, she throws my explanations and feelings out the window and proceeds to tell me how my life should fir her standards instead of comforting me. This leads to disclosure and distrust. It's not right to force your kids into things they aren't comfortable with. Almost all sleepovers I've been to, I've cried in my sleep because I never fit in. I could literally leave and no one would bother to look for me. Then when my mother asks how it went, I either lie and make her complain about how I need to develop social skills and would be disgusted by me for lying. Or I could tell the truth and then she'll think I'm lying and repeat the actions above along with forcing me into more social events. Maybe if I had felt more comfortable with trusting her and not trying to change my lifestyles to fit her standards, I would be the happy, nice, obedient daughter she has always wanted, but I'm not. I think she needs to learn to accept that fact that I'm not perfect. I know I'm not skinny, pretty, smart, talented, and so on. I know. At least I'm working on it to make you happy, but you fail to see my attempts and falsely assume something else. Yes, the scars on my wrist are from cutting, but that was because of you and my imperfections. I hate who I am, but I'm willing to change if you give me the chance to do so. 

                                                                                  
You may have caught on by now, but I have some slight 'mommy issues.' And body issues. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl