Back to being a "Debbie Downer"

Song of the Post: Divorce and the American South
     artist: Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties
     album: We Don't Have Each Other

 Learn how to download here

DISCLAIMER: This is a depressing and sad post so you don't have to read this if you don't want to. I'm just venting out and expressing my opinion.

Salutations fellow internet people!
WOOO HOORAY FOR UNSCHEDULED POSTING! **please note the sarcasm before it gets awkward** It's funny because I have a whole bunch of mini posts that I type in the notes in my phone because I always forget to actually write them on my blog so HERE IT IS!

S/N (that means 'side note') Check out the album, We Don't Have Each Other, by Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties ☺ His songs may be super depressing, but they are AMAZING!

Anywho...lately, I've been feeling really down. Hopeless, crushed, and defeated to be a little more specific ☹ I've been staying up until 2 am everyday. It's not that I don't want to fall asleep, it's that I can't fall asleep. I look in the mirror and hate who I am, so I binge eat. Soon enough, I realize what I'm doing so I starve myself. Curse the people who can effortlessly pull off anything. I'm not getting anything done. I'm not being productive. I'm obsessing over friends who most likely don't care for me. I try too hard to talk to people, but because of that it seems like I'm arrogant and awkward when attempting to socialize so I just stop talking in general. I hold myself back from so many things in fear of judgement, not only from others but also from myself. I delete and throw away projects that seem dumb after finishing them because I feel like I've failed. It's like I get so close, yet I manage to screw myself over and mess up my whole opportunity. My parents freak out when they see the tiniest of scratches on me (because I scar easily) so they automatically assume I went back to my old ways and think I'm some sort of suicidal mess. (That's their opinion, not mine) I'm sick of my mood swings and I'm sick of who I am.
Why do I even bother trying?

I'm so sorry that most of my posts are really sad and depressing, but that's just...well...me. This is my life and I'm choosing to use this blog as a way to vent. I'm open to any advice from anyone who is out there.
Not gonna lie, it would be nice to look back and see how I transitioned from the sad being that I am now to a happy and healthy person sometime in the future. But who knows what my future is going to be like? I'm not going to force myself to be happy on my own blog I already do that in real life.

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Multiple Crushes Pt.2

Song of the Post: Bring Me To Life
     artist: Evanescence
     album: Fallen

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
So....I have more than one crush currently (Two to be exact). One I "met" in religious class and one I'm sorta friends with, but BOTH I have stalked on pretty much every social media platform. It sounds creepy, but honestly, who HASN'T stalked their crush online AT LEAST once. Those who deny are liars. Because I'm a turnip and can't properly socialize with human beings, I've had pretty bad first impressions with both of these gentlemen. (This is part 2)
So the guy that I'm sorta friends with (let's call him Ryan) is someone who always catches me at the wrong times. It all started when I was sleeping over a friend's house. It was me, Ryan, 4 other girls, and 4 other guys. It was my first time meeting Ryan and 3 others. When Ryan arrived I was baffled. Typical punk rock kid, always wore a beanie, and what really got me was that he had an accent. A FREAKIN ACCENT. He has one of those really innocent-looking faces and his teeth are perfect. The need to run my fingers through his curly hair was engulfing me. I was the only one to figure out what kind of accent he had out of everyone at the house (I take pride in that). Skip forward to later that night when were eating pizza for dinner, a guy friend and I were joking around and started singing "After Ever After" by Paint. Ryan interrupted our jam session, kind of shocked that I knew that song word for word. I could tell he was excited and impressed that I did and proceeded to sing along with us. Obviously we annoyed, yet entertained everyone at the table but I could care less. After dinner, the fire pit was lighted and we were able to roast marshmallows to make s'mores. One of the boys started playing "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne. Everyone sang along and I just awkwardly sat there because I didn't know that song at the time (about a year ago). Ryan noticed and we had a long dispute if it was socially acceptable or not for me to not know that song. Things got even more awkward when Ryan's beanie fell off his head and a condom was in it. I don't think he knew it was in there because he made eye contact with one of the guys there and punched him in the arm. Me being me got really flustered and luckily you couldn't see me blushing since the only light outside was the fire. After that I barely saw him except with the occasional greetings because I was close friends with one of his best friends. Skip to a year later (which is now), I had English class with Ryan. Again, barely any small interactions between us. It wasn't until the end of the year that I got his number from a mutual friend of ours to ask him for advice. A mutual guy friend keeps bothering me and touching me AND he has a girlfriend who he wants me to meet in the city. After that talk, I guess we're friends? We would have Snapchat conversations late at night (he would always fall asleep first) sometimes and during finals week we would sometimes have study sessions with friends over Skype. I know for sure that both of them are EXTREMELY out of my league, but a girl can dream.

I hate crushes.

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Multiple Crushes Pt.1

Song of the Post: This is Gospel
     artist: Panic! At The Disco
     album: Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die!

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
So....I have more than one crush currently (Two to be exact). One I "met" in religious class and one I'm sorta friends with, but BOTH I have stalked on pretty much every social media platform. It sounds creepy, but honestly, who HASN'T stalked their crush online AT LEAST once. Those who deny are liars. Because I'm a turnip and can't properly socialize with human beings, I've had pretty bad first impressions with both of these gentlemen.
The guy from religious class (let's call him Ray) is someone I think I've talk to a total of 5 times. Each response of mine being no more than 4 words. I want to hide in an eggshell I'm so awkward. Okay, so when I first met him, it was a church field trip to the city pass out sandwiches and socks to the homeless. I was already missing out on a sports competition that put me at risk, and then my mom LITERALLY spent the WHOLE time talking about how I should be "more social" with other church kids that are going. She doesn't consider the fact that I've already tried (and failed) before and they already have their own cliques. So it was a double whammy to make me really upset. For moral support, and also to give me someone to talk to, my sister tagged along to help. Before heading out to the city, we had to assemble the sandwiches and distribute an even amount of bags for each kid to pass out when we arrive. My sister being her perfect self already made friends with the people there while I was pretty much a ghost in the room. I glanced at my mom who was making her stupid "matchmaking" gestures toward some guy who was assembling sandwiches at a table. This guy was Ray. He is tall, athletic, and legit looks like a model. He has one of those contagious smiles and a laugh that catches people's attention. Him being Asian was also a plus. When we left the church to meet at the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit...it's kinda like a train) station, my mom spent the whole car ride complaining that I'm so unsocial, that no one will like me if I keep wearing the clothes I wear, and that I need to talk to boys if I ever want a future. What really got to me was when she said "You need to be JUST LIKE your sister. She is perfect." At that point I cried. I was already stressed about school, missing the competition, and I'm aware of how I am but her reassurance just pushed me over my line of emotional stability. I was sour, upset, and I didn't want to talk to anyone after my mom's "pep talk." While waiting for the train, Ray's friend approached my sister and started chatting her up. Ray soon followed and stood next to his friend not saying anything, pretty much mirroring the position I was in with my sister. Of course a cute guy just HAD to stand directly in front of me while I'm a hot mess. Ray's friend asked if we were friends, and my sister told him that we were sisters. He couldn't really tell because I was staring at the ground the whole time (although I do this all the time) so I looked up and gave them both a small smile despite my swollen eyes. That was when I saw Ray kinda smile back at me and I temporarily forgot how to breathe before looking back down. And SURPRISE! Our benches on BART faced each other so they sat across from us so that Ray's friend could keep talking to my sister. I shoved my earphones in my ears, blasted music, and just stared out the window to avoid socializing with anyone. It wasn't until my sister tapped my shoulder asking if I was okay that I realized I was crying again. I hastily wiped my face with my jacket sleeves and turned back to the window because I didn't want Ray or his friend to see me. Again, I wanted to hide in an eggshell. I would secretly steal glances at Ray through his reflection in the window glass because I was mesmerized by his attractiveness. After a whole day of having to stand, walk, and sit near this guy was intimidating and embarrassing for me. On the train ride back home from the city, Ray's friend still invited both me and my sister to eat lunch with them even after an awkward explanation that my sister already has a boyfriend. We ended up not going.
SO MUCH FOR A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION OH MY GOSH I WANT TO DIE. Ever since, my connection with him has always been the same: me admiring him from a distance. The closest I've ever gotten to Ray was our last day in religious ed. We all had to dress up semi-formally, and it was one of those rare occasions where I actually felt pretty. It was only me, Ray, and two other people in our group, and Ray tried motivating and pumping us up for the end. I only smiled back or cheered with him each time because I was too afraid to talk to him.
That's pretty much it. Never had a conversation with him. Never properly introduced myself. Only admired from afar. It's odd because I'm somewhat friends with his best friends but I never met him and yeah it's complicated. If I ever want to see him again, I just have to rely on luck or stalk him because we go to different schools.
I hate crushes.

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Spacing Out

Song of the Post: The Run And Go
     artist: Twenty One Pilots
     album: Vessel

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
Lately I've been noticing that I space out....A LOT. And it's not even the good ones about happy situations that you wish would come true such as meeting your idols, getting everything that you've always wanted, or even cuddling that special someone. Most of the time I imagine (almost hope) that a car would just run me over and break both my legs so that I don't have to dance or do anything.
I've been slacking off a bit lately, and it seems like something I can control, but I can't. My brain just randomly shuts off and then I start to fall behind a bit. I want to keep going, but my body physically can't take it in. I don't know if it's my lack of sleep or the amount of stress or depression that I'm going through right now, but it has certainly taken its toll on me. I've tried so hard for so long that I have no drive to do anything anymore. Everything I want to do seems pointless because I know that I'll screw it up.
I've been feeling so alone and like I don't belong. I feel so bad for the people who have to put up with me. Who have to talk to my socially awkward self. Who have to walk and been seen with me (I'm not exactly attractive). I feel like such a burden to others, almost as if they have to put in effort to hang out with me. 
At this point, I don't even know what I want to achieve in life. I want to go into computers, but I've never taken any classes. I'm losing my ability to dance decently. I have a hard time talking to people because I'm afraid I talk too much. I hate looking in mirrors because I hate myself. That's not even an exaggeration. I have so many flaws, it's truly unbelievable. If I could, I would want to restart my whole life all over again. Sadly, that's not an option. It's just something I have to deal with, a life I pretend to enjoy. 

Hopefully these horrible daydreams will go away and be replaced with better ones.
All I can do....is wait.

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Is it More Than a Crush?

Song of the Post: Jealous
     artist: Nick Jonas 
     album: Nick Jonas (self-titled album)

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
It wasn't until I came across a tumblr post, the kind that has different personality traits for the different zodiac signs, that I realized I tend to day dream about people I think are attractive.
NOW BEFORE YOU LEAVE OR THINK I'M WEIRD JUST PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN!
My zodiac thing said that I tend to rant about my day/feelings online -_- **cough cough WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW** and that I make up cute love stories in my head...... Although scarily accurate, I still love those types of posts because it points out the little things about me that even I don't notice about myself.
Do you also make up cute love stories in your head or is it just me?
I tend to think about these "fantasies" whenever I'm bored or right as I'm about to fall asleep **nervous chuckle** And no these are not sexual fantasies, they go no further than cutesy, fluffy kissing and cuddling. (The fact that I'm flustered just writing about this is embarrassing)
At the young age that I am now (16), I still have some trouble telling the difference between a crush, liking someone, and just thinking someone is attractive. Some times it'll be obvious, some times I'll be stuck debating the issue for days. I don't know....is it possible to have multiple crushes?
If so, then lemme just count how many I could possibly have right now:

1. The boy in my friend group
2. The boy in my English class
3. The boy in my church group
4. The boy who sits in the same lunch room as me 

That's surprisingly a lot less than I thought there would be O.o But that's probably because I left out musicians ;) To me, a crush is not only do you find them attractive, but you can imagine a romantic relationship with them. That's one of the reasons why I'm so confused about my feelings, but also because I get a little jealous when I see other girls talking to them. 

And it's weird because I legit dream about them taking me on dates and being all cheesy-romantic and cute and uggghh the feels!!!! I'm sure I'm not the only one that has this problem....right?

I think the main components that happen in pretty much every 'dream' is:

1. They wink at some point (my weakness. it legit makes me squirmy when someone winks)
2. They like to hug me from behind
3. They give me piggy back rides
4. (this is one that I just squeal about even when I'm only thinking about it...maybe because I've never experienced this before) they kiss me **hiding face while intensely blushing**

The way that the kiss happens is usually the same too! The boy pulls me into him by my waist with one arm then kisses me while holding my cheek with his other hand.

 If you could see me right now, I'm hiding under my blankets and covering my face with my hair because my stomach is in knots I WANT A RELATIONSHIP SO BADLY! But i'm in a pickle because I want a relationship but I'm not ready for one, if that even makes sense. I'd be too afraid to make the wrong move or seem too clingy that I would just screw up the relationship from trying to be the perfect girl for that significant other. Plus, I'm the worst person to have one on one conversations with because I tend to overthink what I'm going to say so I don't embarrass you or myself, causing many long awkward pauses. People who can effortlessly keep conversations going with anyone.... HOW?!?! PLEASE TEACH ME YOUR WAYS OF SOCIALIZING! 

So....is it a more than a crush? Is it possible to have more than one crush?

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl