Spacing Out

Song of the Post: The Run And Go
     artist: Twenty One Pilots
     album: Vessel

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
Lately I've been noticing that I space out....A LOT. And it's not even the good ones about happy situations that you wish would come true such as meeting your idols, getting everything that you've always wanted, or even cuddling that special someone. Most of the time I imagine (almost hope) that a car would just run me over and break both my legs so that I don't have to dance or do anything.
I've been slacking off a bit lately, and it seems like something I can control, but I can't. My brain just randomly shuts off and then I start to fall behind a bit. I want to keep going, but my body physically can't take it in. I don't know if it's my lack of sleep or the amount of stress or depression that I'm going through right now, but it has certainly taken its toll on me. I've tried so hard for so long that I have no drive to do anything anymore. Everything I want to do seems pointless because I know that I'll screw it up.
I've been feeling so alone and like I don't belong. I feel so bad for the people who have to put up with me. Who have to talk to my socially awkward self. Who have to walk and been seen with me (I'm not exactly attractive). I feel like such a burden to others, almost as if they have to put in effort to hang out with me. 
At this point, I don't even know what I want to achieve in life. I want to go into computers, but I've never taken any classes. I'm losing my ability to dance decently. I have a hard time talking to people because I'm afraid I talk too much. I hate looking in mirrors because I hate myself. That's not even an exaggeration. I have so many flaws, it's truly unbelievable. If I could, I would want to restart my whole life all over again. Sadly, that's not an option. It's just something I have to deal with, a life I pretend to enjoy. 

Hopefully these horrible daydreams will go away and be replaced with better ones.
All I can do....is wait.

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Asking Questions then Leaving - What's The Point?!?

Song of the Post: Mrs. All American
     artist: 5 Seconds Of Summer
     album: 5 Seconds Of Summer Target Exclusive (American version)

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
So I don't know if this was just me who thinks this is absurd, but what makes people think that it's okay to ask someone a question then walk away? ......What????
Not too long ago, I was sitting outside reading Girl Online by Zoe Sugg (it's a great book, check it out) waiting for my mom to come pick me up, and then one of my friends approached me. She asked what I was reading, then asked what it was about. In the middle of my brief summary, she just walked away as if she never even asked. I was so baffled by what had just occurred that I just sat there and pondered life. Had I done something wrong to make her walk away? Is she mad at me? Do I look angry or upset? Was the book not interesting? 
I didn't know what to do in that situation! Do I call out to her? Do I follow her and keep talking about the book? There's not much you can do without being slightly annoying or rude, although what she did was rude, but that's not the point.....sorta. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when things like this happen, it makes me feel a bit unimportant and useless as a human being. It may seem a bit extreme to say that, but it's true. I like when people listen to what I have to say because it means that my opinion matters. It may not make the biggest difference, but at least someone's listening.

That was such an awkward note to end on, but I don't know how else to finish. I've had this in my drafts for the longest time but never really got to publish it :/ 

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Pros and Cons of Being Sick

Song of the Post: Down To Earth
     artist: Justin Bieber
     album: My World

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
Now before you judge me for my song choice, just listen to it. Really pay attention to the lyrics because they are just.....**sigh** They're deep. It brings me back to the good times.
ANYWAYS! Back to the topic.
So I have a bit of a cold right now which sucks, but I'm pushing through it. And by pushing through, I mean taking as many medications as I can to get over this as quick as possible. Because its the time transitioning between winter and spring, the wind has the tendency to blow pollen EVERYWHERE, thus sparking allergy season.
When I went to school today, I thought I wasn't the only one that was sick because the vast majority of students were sniffling and rubbing their noses too. Then when my friend groaned and said "oh you have allergies too?" that's when I realized I was the only one that was legitly (yes I know that is not a real word but I like using it) sick. When I told them I was sick, they asked why I was at school and apparently not all parents force their kids to go to school when their sick...? My mom says that being sick is not an excuse to miss school. During one of my easy classes, I just sat there and pondered the pros and cons of being sick.

Pros

1. You get to stay home
2. You get extra time to do assignments
3. You can finally finish that book/tv series/movie/DIY project you started
4. SOUP
5. You get to sleep all day because you need to "feel better"
6. No one wants to touch your stuff because it's "contaminated"
7. Special treatment from your caretakers
8. You can stay in bed all day

Cons

1. You might be forced to go to school
2. You are behind in both the lesson and assignments
3. EVERYTHING happens during school the day that you're gone
4. It's hard to sleep because you can't breathe, so you sleep with your mouth slightly open so you end up drooling everywhere
5. Coughing feels like you're about to throw up an organ
6. You're hot and sweaty from fevers
7. You can't have any dairy products (it creates more mucus in your throat)
8. No one wants to be around you
9. Gross-tasting medicine
10. Showers feel like you're drowning

I feel like I'm missing more, but I just can't think of them right now.

I always know when I'm sick because it always starts with a sore throat. Is that just me, or does anybody else get that too? **Groaning** I think I've sniffled about 50 times while writing this post **congested sigh**

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Fangirl Problem : Saving Photos - Necessary or Useless?

Song of the Post: Wrapped Around Your Finger
     artist: 5 Seconds Of Summer
     album: Don't Stop EP

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
It hasn't dawned on me until recently that I have a habit of saving an unhealthy amount of photos and gifs of bands. My friend was going through my phone and they looked in my photo album to find hundreds of pictures of 5sos and 1d and more, but only a handful of normal pictures. I honestly didn't have an answer when they asked why I have so many. I don't do anything with them. I just......like having them I guess. 
I find them both necessary and useless. When I'm scrolling through tumblr or twitter and I see those photos, it's almost natural to automatically save the picture for some odd reason. Am I going to need them later? No. I could lie and say that I keep them to look through them later, but I never do (ain't nobody got time for that). Might as well just go back to tumblr or twitter to find more recent ones. 
Do you find yourself saving a ton of pictures of bands/celebrities/characters?
I always tell myself "oh it's okay because I can use these as reactions in conversations!" or "it's fine because when I'm bored or feeling upset I can just look through them and I'll be better!" BUT I NEVER DO! They just sit there in my phone or laptop taking up so much space even though they'll always be online for me to look up again. "oh but it's going to take forever to find them online because you have to search for it!" I have a better chance finding it on google than on my photo library because there are literally thousands to scroll through, whereas on google you can search keywords. I bet when people send reaction gifs or memes they google search it instead of finding it in their photo library because it would take too long.
I think I'm going to take a big step and delete all the band photos on my phone and computer, and if I need them again, I can just google it because at this point it's ridiculous. I hope this sorta inspires you to do the same thing! 

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Sharing Secrets w/ Friends - Good or Bad?

Song of the Post: Airplanes and Terminals
     artist: Andrew Garcia, Traphik & G Seven
     album: (They're Youtubers ☞ No album!)

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
Also Happy Chinese New Year! It's the year of the Ram, so if you're turning 12, 24, 36, etc. then this is your year ☺ Typically those who celebrate will receive red envelopes containing money from their parents as a way to start the new year, and it's good luck to wear red.
Anyways...back to the topic. Sharing secrets with friends- is it a good or bad thing? 
Friendship is important, but secrets are very personal to each individual. When friends tell each other secrets, it creates a stronger bond. I know when someone tells me something private, I get all tingly inside because it's sort of a way of them telling you that you're trustworthy. It also makes each other feel important and special because you are exchanging private information about each other that is too personal to share with the world.
Sometimes, people who know these secrets think it's okay to almost mock your private business, but it's technically "not telling anyone." One of my closest guy friends, Ty, had recently found out that I used to like one of his friends, Brad, and sends me pictures of Brad whenever they're together saying "oh look who I'm with ;)" or "remember him? ;)" I trust Ty because we both have a little dirt on each other, but I kind of regret telling him about my past with Brad. I don't think he knows that his teasing makes me uncomfortable and that I wish I never told him in the first place. 
I think the worst is when you tell a friend a really deep secret and they judge you for it. It makes me question how/who I am that created such a strong reaction from a close friend. Is it wrong to like certain things? Is the world going to end if I have feelings toward a certain someone? Is there a specific guideline on how I should live my own life? "But it's not YOU." Okay. That's cool. I didn't know I wasn't allowed to like and appreciate certain things because it doesn't fit my image. 
Don't let anyone bring you down for exploring and expanding your variety of interests. It's your decision to choose whether you like something or not, not someone else's. If you decide to tell one friend a secret and not the other, that's okay. It's not like it's their business to share anyways. 
Have you ever wondered what happened to the secrets that you told people you're not friends with anymore? Are they going to tell anyone? Or do they just forget about them...? I know that when I'm told a secret, it stays with me because I respect people's privacy and so should they, but that's not always the case. Which brings up my next question.... Are you able to keep your mouth shut? If you expect others to keep your secrets, it's common sense to know that you should also zip your lips. If someone isn't comfortable telling you something, don't push it. Would you want the same thing to happen to you? It's all about reciprocating actions and emotions. "Treat others the way you want to be treated." 

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Parents Bullying Their Children

Song of the Post: Happy Little Pill
     artist: Troye Sivan
     album: TRXYE

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
So if you've read my previous posts, you may be aware that I have self-image issues and I finally told my parents about it. Well....today was a game changer.
Most of the reasons why I'm so self-conscious are because of my parents. As their daughter, I want to be the best I can to make them happy and proud, even if that means suffering. I'm not happy, I'm not healthy, I have many issues with myself, and I told them about this, but they see it as a joke. Always telling me I should lose weight, to watch my figure, that they're embarrassed to be around me because I'm not feminine enough.
It hurts.
What kind of world do we live in today that it's okay to tell your children that they aren't good enough for you? It's okay for parents to degrade their children's appearance but God forbid children from expressing their opinion about their parents.
Today was yet another step back from where I started because my parents chose to laugh about my inability to find myself attractive.

                                                                                                                                 

**walking with parents in parking lot toward designated store**

**wearing cardigan over tank top b/c not comfortable showing arms**

Mother: Take off that stupid jacket it's hot out!

Me: I'm okay, I'm just cold because it's breezy out.

Mother: You know your legs are getting pretty big. You should really start dieting.

**covers body, looks at feet, starts walking faster to avoid contact with parents**

Mother: **sing-song voice** Come back my beautiful daughter who hates their mother! 

Father: I bet she doesn't think she's beautiful.

**both parents laughing**

                                                                                                                                   

Yeah. That actually happened.

They very well know that I don't think I'm pretty and I have body issues, but they also had to joke about me hating my mother. Then, they expect me to be okay with this?!? Under what circumstance is this appropriate for parents to do to their kids? Please, enlighten me.

I'm so sick of their behavior and they wonder why I insulate myself in my room. I'm usually used to my parents making fun of me, but I thought that after they read the letter, things would be different. Boy was I wrong. I think after they read it, it gives them more of a reason to mock me because they know it'll get to me.

Am I the only one that has to deal with this?

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl

Is it More Than a Crush?

Song of the Post: Jealous
     artist: Nick Jonas 
     album: Nick Jonas (self-titled album)

 Learn how to download here

Salutations fellow internet people!
It wasn't until I came across a tumblr post, the kind that has different personality traits for the different zodiac signs, that I realized I tend to day dream about people I think are attractive.
NOW BEFORE YOU LEAVE OR THINK I'M WEIRD JUST PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN!
My zodiac thing said that I tend to rant about my day/feelings online -_- **cough cough WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW** and that I make up cute love stories in my head...... Although scarily accurate, I still love those types of posts because it points out the little things about me that even I don't notice about myself.
Do you also make up cute love stories in your head or is it just me?
I tend to think about these "fantasies" whenever I'm bored or right as I'm about to fall asleep **nervous chuckle** And no these are not sexual fantasies, they go no further than cutesy, fluffy kissing and cuddling. (The fact that I'm flustered just writing about this is embarrassing)
At the young age that I am now (16), I still have some trouble telling the difference between a crush, liking someone, and just thinking someone is attractive. Some times it'll be obvious, some times I'll be stuck debating the issue for days. I don't know....is it possible to have multiple crushes?
If so, then lemme just count how many I could possibly have right now:

1. The boy in my friend group
2. The boy in my English class
3. The boy in my church group
4. The boy who sits in the same lunch room as me 

That's surprisingly a lot less than I thought there would be O.o But that's probably because I left out musicians ;) To me, a crush is not only do you find them attractive, but you can imagine a romantic relationship with them. That's one of the reasons why I'm so confused about my feelings, but also because I get a little jealous when I see other girls talking to them. 

And it's weird because I legit dream about them taking me on dates and being all cheesy-romantic and cute and uggghh the feels!!!! I'm sure I'm not the only one that has this problem....right?

I think the main components that happen in pretty much every 'dream' is:

1. They wink at some point (my weakness. it legit makes me squirmy when someone winks)
2. They like to hug me from behind
3. They give me piggy back rides
4. (this is one that I just squeal about even when I'm only thinking about it...maybe because I've never experienced this before) they kiss me **hiding face while intensely blushing**

The way that the kiss happens is usually the same too! The boy pulls me into him by my waist with one arm then kisses me while holding my cheek with his other hand.

 If you could see me right now, I'm hiding under my blankets and covering my face with my hair because my stomach is in knots I WANT A RELATIONSHIP SO BADLY! But i'm in a pickle because I want a relationship but I'm not ready for one, if that even makes sense. I'd be too afraid to make the wrong move or seem too clingy that I would just screw up the relationship from trying to be the perfect girl for that significant other. Plus, I'm the worst person to have one on one conversations with because I tend to overthink what I'm going to say so I don't embarrass you or myself, causing many long awkward pauses. People who can effortlessly keep conversations going with anyone.... HOW?!?! PLEASE TEACH ME YOUR WAYS OF SOCIALIZING! 

So....is it a more than a crush? Is it possible to have more than one crush?

Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl