artist: 5 Seconds Of Summer
album: LIVESOS
This was my fifth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.
This was when Iam was going through a falling out with one of my best friends named Patricia/Patty (pretty much family). It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will.
August 10, 2014
Freakin' ticket scalpers took all of the 5sos Rock Out With Your Socks Out Tour North American Leg Pre-sale tickers....all that was left were lawn seats....LAWN SEATS! I had two computers set up and I kept refreshing the page for about 20 min until the sale was actually valid. I hope karma comes to whoever leaked the presale code >:( I don't think I'll ever have the chance to see them live. I don't know why I even think I have a chance seeing them in concert, I can barely get t-shirts or band merch in general because my mom thinks it's "a waste of money" or "you won't wear them anyways because they're hideous" or "that'll make you look like a boy."
Cat, Nicole, and that "group of friends" (my old friends who I grew apart from due to drama and gossip) make fun of me for liking 1D, 5sos, and the Vamps. It's weird because at least half of them used to like them too. I also think they know I self-harm, or are at least aware of it :( It was such an awkward party (Cat's birthday party with my old friends)....for me at least. Ever since middle school, I've never really felt like I fit in. I'll be surrounded by friends and/or family but I never feel important, included, or needed. It's like I'm alone in my own dark corner. Even now whenever I'm with people I feel like I'm just....there. If I were to leave, no one would care or notice. Nothing would be different. I just....it's like whenever I' m out in large social groups I get this weird feeling. It's almost the same feeling you get when you are about to tip your chair over or fall down the stairs....but it doesn't stop. It scares me. Is this anxiety? I honestly don't know what to do.
I have no future, I'm ugly, fat as a marshmallow, too small to make a difference. I get paranoid too easily too. I let my imagination get the best of me. The smallest things will trigger bad thoughts in my head, and all of a sudden I'm hiding under a blanket or really jumpy. I don't like who I am as a whole. I'm just a glitch. I considered dying different colors at the tips of my hair or cutting it short, but I;m sure that that would make things worse. Maybe counseling would be a good thing.
I have the tendency to sleep whenever I have conflicts internally or externally. Whenever I'm in distress I just take a nap in hopes it'll disappear....boy am I wrong. But I don't really have any other solution. I also need to do something about my eating habits. The frequency of my chest pains have increased which isn't the greatest (I have gastroesophogal reflux so I'm prone to heartburn). Also, I've been getting really fat everywhere....even more so than I already am.
Yeah....counseling....sounds great. I hope they don't put me on anti-depressants. That'll make school issues worse....more judgement....I'll be a freak to everyone (I'm not saying that people who are on anti-depressants are freaks, but through the eyes of the people at my school...it's different from other people, thus you are an outcast). My happiness would come from a bottle.
I feel like such a burden to my mom, as if everything I say or do is wrong and I'll be criticized for it. I feel a bit mental right now. My mind is racing from one problem to another. Where is my light at the end of the tunnel? I'm a screw up. I constantly hear Michelle's, Jane's (another old friend), Darren's (another old friend), and so many others' voices in my head telling me they hate me, never want to see me again, I'm a horrible friend, they don't trust me anymore....but what makes it worse os that they actually said some of these things to me. When I look back, it was never really my fault but I still make it so hard to forgive myself. It's haunting and tainting my thoughts. Knowing I'll never be a good or trustworthy friend to anyone anymore because I keep to myself to prevent myself from screwing up again is harder than it sounds. But while doing that, I exclude myself from the world, like sending myself to a corner. I guess I want the attention to fill that void I have from lack of trust in myself. I try too hard and fail miserably every time.
I never realized how many times I said "myself" o.O Ughh this is draining. Feel free to leave any comment or suggestions below!
<3 The Little Fangirl
This was when I
August 10, 2014
Freakin' ticket scalpers took all of the 5sos Rock Out With Your Socks Out Tour North American Leg Pre-sale tickers....all that was left were lawn seats....LAWN SEATS! I had two computers set up and I kept refreshing the page for about 20 min until the sale was actually valid. I hope karma comes to whoever leaked the presale code >:( I don't think I'll ever have the chance to see them live. I don't know why I even think I have a chance seeing them in concert, I can barely get t-shirts or band merch in general because my mom thinks it's "a waste of money" or "you won't wear them anyways because they're hideous" or "that'll make you look like a boy."
Cat, Nicole, and that "group of friends" (my old friends who I grew apart from due to drama and gossip) make fun of me for liking 1D, 5sos, and the Vamps. It's weird because at least half of them used to like them too. I also think they know I self-harm, or are at least aware of it :( It was such an awkward party (Cat's birthday party with my old friends)....for me at least. Ever since middle school, I've never really felt like I fit in. I'll be surrounded by friends and/or family but I never feel important, included, or needed. It's like I'm alone in my own dark corner. Even now whenever I'm with people I feel like I'm just....there. If I were to leave, no one would care or notice. Nothing would be different. I just....it's like whenever I' m out in large social groups I get this weird feeling. It's almost the same feeling you get when you are about to tip your chair over or fall down the stairs....but it doesn't stop. It scares me. Is this anxiety? I honestly don't know what to do.
I have no future, I'm ugly, fat as a marshmallow, too small to make a difference. I get paranoid too easily too. I let my imagination get the best of me. The smallest things will trigger bad thoughts in my head, and all of a sudden I'm hiding under a blanket or really jumpy. I don't like who I am as a whole. I'm just a glitch. I considered dying different colors at the tips of my hair or cutting it short, but I;m sure that that would make things worse. Maybe counseling would be a good thing.
I have the tendency to sleep whenever I have conflicts internally or externally. Whenever I'm in distress I just take a nap in hopes it'll disappear....boy am I wrong. But I don't really have any other solution. I also need to do something about my eating habits. The frequency of my chest pains have increased which isn't the greatest (I have gastroesophogal reflux so I'm prone to heartburn). Also, I've been getting really fat everywhere....even more so than I already am.
Yeah....counseling....sounds great. I hope they don't put me on anti-depressants. That'll make school issues worse....more judgement....I'll be a freak to everyone (I'm not saying that people who are on anti-depressants are freaks, but through the eyes of the people at my school...it's different from other people, thus you are an outcast). My happiness would come from a bottle.
I feel like such a burden to my mom, as if everything I say or do is wrong and I'll be criticized for it. I feel a bit mental right now. My mind is racing from one problem to another. Where is my light at the end of the tunnel? I'm a screw up. I constantly hear Michelle's, Jane's (another old friend), Darren's (another old friend), and so many others' voices in my head telling me they hate me, never want to see me again, I'm a horrible friend, they don't trust me anymore....but what makes it worse os that they actually said some of these things to me. When I look back, it was never really my fault but I still make it so hard to forgive myself. It's haunting and tainting my thoughts. Knowing I'll never be a good or trustworthy friend to anyone anymore because I keep to myself to prevent myself from screwing up again is harder than it sounds. But while doing that, I exclude myself from the world, like sending myself to a corner. I guess I want the attention to fill that void I have from lack of trust in myself. I try too hard and fail miserably every time.
I never realized how many times I said "myself" o.O Ughh this is draining. Feel free to leave any comment or suggestions below!
<3 The Little Fangirl
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