artist: My Chemical Romance
album: The Black Parade
This was my fifth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.
This was when Iam was having mother issues. It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will.
September 1, 2014
Sorry I haven't really found the time to vent, but it's all on my phone. I seem to think about my death a lot. What would happen if I died? Would anyone grieve? Mourn? Think about how they treated me? Or would I just be another picture on Instagram? Would I be a Twitter trend to get my idols to notice, or one simple retweet?
I also figured out that Mom has no sentimental value whatsoever. When she throws things away, it stays in my head and bugs me until satisfied. This leads to me constantly hiding everything, even my imperfections. When i do tell her how I feel and what not, she throws my explanations and feelings out the window and proceeds to tell me how my life should fir her standards instead of comforting me. This leads to disclosure and distrust. It's not right to force your kids into things they aren't comfortable with. Almost all sleepovers I've been to, I've cried in my sleep because I never fit in. I could literally leave and no one would bother to look for me. Then when my mother asks how it went, I either lie and make her complain about how I need to develop social skills and would be disgusted by me for lying. Or I could tell the truth and then she'll think I'm lying and repeat the actions above along with forcing me into more social events. Maybe if I had felt more comfortable with trusting her and not trying to change my lifestyles to fit her standards, I would be the happy, nice, obedient daughter she has always wanted, but I'm not. I think she needs to learn to accept that fact that I'm not perfect. I know I'm not skinny, pretty, smart, talented, and so on. I know. At least I'm working on it to make you happy, but you fail to see my attempts and falsely assume something else. Yes, the scars on my wrist are from cutting, but that was because of you and my imperfections. I hate who I am, but I'm willing to change if you give me the chance to do so.
You may have caught on by now, but I have some slight 'mommy issues.'And body issues. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!
<3 The Little Fangirl
This was when I
September 1, 2014
Sorry I haven't really found the time to vent, but it's all on my phone. I seem to think about my death a lot. What would happen if I died? Would anyone grieve? Mourn? Think about how they treated me? Or would I just be another picture on Instagram? Would I be a Twitter trend to get my idols to notice, or one simple retweet?
I also figured out that Mom has no sentimental value whatsoever. When she throws things away, it stays in my head and bugs me until satisfied. This leads to me constantly hiding everything, even my imperfections. When i do tell her how I feel and what not, she throws my explanations and feelings out the window and proceeds to tell me how my life should fir her standards instead of comforting me. This leads to disclosure and distrust. It's not right to force your kids into things they aren't comfortable with. Almost all sleepovers I've been to, I've cried in my sleep because I never fit in. I could literally leave and no one would bother to look for me. Then when my mother asks how it went, I either lie and make her complain about how I need to develop social skills and would be disgusted by me for lying. Or I could tell the truth and then she'll think I'm lying and repeat the actions above along with forcing me into more social events. Maybe if I had felt more comfortable with trusting her and not trying to change my lifestyles to fit her standards, I would be the happy, nice, obedient daughter she has always wanted, but I'm not. I think she needs to learn to accept that fact that I'm not perfect. I know I'm not skinny, pretty, smart, talented, and so on. I know. At least I'm working on it to make you happy, but you fail to see my attempts and falsely assume something else. Yes, the scars on my wrist are from cutting, but that was because of you and my imperfections. I hate who I am, but I'm willing to change if you give me the chance to do so.
You may have caught on by now, but I have some slight 'mommy issues.'
<3 The Little Fangirl
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