artist: One Direction
album: Four
This was my eighth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.
This was when Iam was having a hard time accepting myself for who I was/am. I was/am at a low state and I just didn't know what to do. It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will.
October 10, 2014
I feel like I have some psychiatric or mental disorder (no offense to those who actually do). Whenever something tragic, upsetting, or embarrassing happens I leek like I should be punished, thus I create fake sob stories so I could pity myself. For example, today Sarah, Bianca, and I got kicked out of the room we eat lunch in because they begged me to teach them the cool handshake I know. The two laughed it off, but I just faked a laugh to play along. I was crying on the inside. I pitied myself so I started imagining Mom yelling at me for being so disrespectful and refusing to let me hang out with my friends. I don't know why, but I do.
I don't understand why my friends keep me around. I know for a fact that they are better off without me. I make things awkward. I don't belong. I can't relate to anything they talk about without sounding too arrogant, and I can think of so many things to say but I hold myself back because I'm afraid of saying too much. I'm miserable. I can't do anything right. It has come to a point in life where I cry but no tears come out, just the feeling of my heart breaking and the cruel memories flooding my mind, drowning me in my fears.
Today in English, we read an article called "Mean Girls" and I couldn't stand it. It was about teen bullying online and in real life. I have experience being both the bully and the victim since an early age. The article mentioned that bullying has long term effects of socialization, and I know exactly what that means. I don't even feel like trying anymore. There's nothing good in the world. It breaks my heart when I lie to my mom saying that I'm happy everyday. I'm not. Not even close.
I honestly did and still hate that article. It hit too close to home, and I started getting really nervous and restless in class because I wanted to leave. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!
<3 The Little Fangirl
This was when I
October 10, 2014
I feel like I have some psychiatric or mental disorder (no offense to those who actually do). Whenever something tragic, upsetting, or embarrassing happens I leek like I should be punished, thus I create fake sob stories so I could pity myself. For example, today Sarah, Bianca, and I got kicked out of the room we eat lunch in because they begged me to teach them the cool handshake I know. The two laughed it off, but I just faked a laugh to play along. I was crying on the inside. I pitied myself so I started imagining Mom yelling at me for being so disrespectful and refusing to let me hang out with my friends. I don't know why, but I do.
I don't understand why my friends keep me around. I know for a fact that they are better off without me. I make things awkward. I don't belong. I can't relate to anything they talk about without sounding too arrogant, and I can think of so many things to say but I hold myself back because I'm afraid of saying too much. I'm miserable. I can't do anything right. It has come to a point in life where I cry but no tears come out, just the feeling of my heart breaking and the cruel memories flooding my mind, drowning me in my fears.
Today in English, we read an article called "Mean Girls" and I couldn't stand it. It was about teen bullying online and in real life. I have experience being both the bully and the victim since an early age. The article mentioned that bullying has long term effects of socialization, and I know exactly what that means. I don't even feel like trying anymore. There's nothing good in the world. It breaks my heart when I lie to my mom saying that I'm happy everyday. I'm not. Not even close.
I honestly did and still hate that article. It hit too close to home, and I started getting really nervous and restless in class because I wanted to leave. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!
<3 The Little Fangirl
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