Second Journal Entry

This was my second journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.

This was when I am was going through a falling out with one of my best friends named Patricia/Patty (pretty much family). It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will. 
                                                                                  

4:01 am
July 27, 2014

     I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I stopped eating and turned into a needy attention whore. I don't know why I long to be known in social medias, to be the girl people wished they paid more attention to. Not necessarily popular at school, but just known. I want to make an impact on the world. To put myself out there, not cooped up constantly in fear of being hurt and judged. It seems as if I can't do anything without someone judging me....harshly. Just jumping to conclusions without thinking about the other options. 
     It's been really hard lately. Uncle John (Patty's father, not actual relative) greeted me today and called me "BFF." It's been about 2 year since I've last been called that special name. They're the only people that call me that. That didn't help much. It just made matters worse in my opinion. I know he didn't do it to intentionally hurt my feelings, but it still hurts. 
     Mom and Kara (my older brother's girlfriend, honorary sister) want me to go to counseling. Should I? Is it that obvious? Am I actually depressed? It's weird to think of myself as depressed. What happened to the bubbly socialite I used to be? Oh yeah, she only appears during school and whenever people are present because she was broken. ditched, and lost in a big, confusing, horrible world. 
     My ring broke earlier, July 26th, at the pool (It was a ring Patty gave me that I wore everyday). I guess it's official....our friendship is broken. It'll never be the same. I'm still keeping, it;s all I have left. Mom threw away my JB material. My life consists only of broken dreams, sentimental objects, and empty memories/promises. A broken ring and t-shirt are what I have to keep from a 7 year friendship.
     I don't even see the point in trying anymore. I can't dance, I get degraded for being on the internet, I get teased for my actions on social medias. I know they're jokes, but they still hurt. I already hate how I look, sound, how I have to pretend to be someone I'm not almost 24/7, it gets tiring. I just want to disappear. Have the universe swallow me whole and take me away from my misery of all these memories. It's taking me over. I'm too afraid to so anything because I don't want to be hurt or judged....again. I'm tired of being used. If I let them in, they'll get too deep and I'll be attached, then hurt all over again. It's a constant fear I can never run from....being hurt....constantly going through that cycle of constantly being let down.
     What hope do I have to look forward to? I have nothing. I'm back to my low state. I cut 2 lines on my wrist on the 24th.... It wasn't very smart knowing that I was seeing my friends the next day....That made me feel dumber and continue to scratch at my wrist. It sounds worse when you say that you're "mutilating" your body, but I guess that's the point, to get people to stop. It's not very effective (?) is that the right one? Is it effect or affect? I can't but feel like I should know this. I'm an idiot. I'll never be good enough for Mom or Dad. Kira (my older sister) is smart and obedient, Andy (my older brother) is responsible for himself mostly and has a passion for martial arts (that clearly loves him back). What do I have? They took away dance and I'm too far behind in computers, too stupid for HTML. My life had been at a constant negative slope and I just want it to stop. 
     I'm the worst daughter ever. I'm unsocial, uncooperative, idiotic, fat, worthless, imperfect, over obsessive, spoiled, untalented, invisible, ugly, an attention whore, basically a big disappointment to this family. I fake my happiness and blame everything on myself. I'm sorry I turned out to be this way. Having to live my life like some sort of big secret. I guess that makes me a liar too. I'm almost 15 years old and I still can't sleep with out ,y security blanket....that's terrifying. 
     I always try to act independent, but that's only because I thought it would make up for all of my flaws, but now I'm slowly starting to realize that it's impossible to make up my picky ways. I'll never be good enough. I genuinely and sincerely try my hardest to please everyone, but no one ever notices. A little recognition couldn't hurt right?
     I can't sleep. I can't eat. I need help, but I just don't want it. 
                                                                                  
So there's the second.... I promise it'll be done soon (just a couple more entries)! I just really need to get these off my chest right now. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

<3 The Little Fangirl