artist: Echosmith
album: Talking Dreams
This was my fourteenth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. I'm going to be posting the rest of my entries, then will start posting mainly on here.
This was when Iam was debating whether to kill myself or not because at that point I had no sense of emotion. It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will.
December 1, 2014
I'm not sure which would be an easier way out: accepting who I am or killing myself? Ah who am I kidding....killing myself would be 10x easier. I just don't see the point of me even caring about life right now. Nothing is going alright. I want to ask Dad about the gym membership, bur I know he's not going to take me seriously :( no one does.
I just found out all the college emails and letters I've been receiving since taking the PSAT were all fake. The invitation to receive my STEM award in Massachusetts was legit, but other people said that colleges only see it as your parents paying for an award. It sucks because they gave me hope that I actually had a chance in pursuing a great career, but no, I guess I'm not. Definitely made me feel a lot worse about my life. I didn't even know that was possible, to stoop lower than I am now, but I guess it is.
I'm so done with this world. With how I am. With how I feel. Why can't happiness be a thing for me? Why can't I finally learn that this is who I am? Selfish. Worthless. Useless. Untalented. Overweight. Stupid. Nothing. Everyone literally would have a better life without me. No one would care. No one has cared. Their lives wouldn't change. I literally feel my heartbreaking and my throat closing, but no tears come out. This is painful. This is how I am every night.
I oddly remember writing this. I felt so alone. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!
<3 The Little Fangirl
This was when I
December 1, 2014
I'm not sure which would be an easier way out: accepting who I am or killing myself? Ah who am I kidding....killing myself would be 10x easier. I just don't see the point of me even caring about life right now. Nothing is going alright. I want to ask Dad about the gym membership, bur I know he's not going to take me seriously :( no one does.
I just found out all the college emails and letters I've been receiving since taking the PSAT were all fake. The invitation to receive my STEM award in Massachusetts was legit, but other people said that colleges only see it as your parents paying for an award. It sucks because they gave me hope that I actually had a chance in pursuing a great career, but no, I guess I'm not. Definitely made me feel a lot worse about my life. I didn't even know that was possible, to stoop lower than I am now, but I guess it is.
I'm so done with this world. With how I am. With how I feel. Why can't happiness be a thing for me? Why can't I finally learn that this is who I am? Selfish. Worthless. Useless. Untalented. Overweight. Stupid. Nothing. Everyone literally would have a better life without me. No one would care. No one has cared. Their lives wouldn't change. I literally feel my heartbreaking and my throat closing, but no tears come out. This is painful. This is how I am every night.
I oddly remember writing this. I felt so alone. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!
<3 The Little Fangirl
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