artist: Jason Mraz
album: Love Is a Four Letter Word
This was my sixteenth journal entry in my actual physical journal. Yes, the names are already changed. This is the last entry, so I will start posting mainly on here.
This was when Iam was overthinking the consequences of lying. It's a bit depressing to read, so read at your own will.
December 11, 2014
Lying doesn't get you anywhere. Then why do I still do it? I like to think I do it for the benefit of others. To keep them happy, away from something that might trouble their moment of bliss. But it seems I only do it for myself. And it gets me in trouble. Not necessarily with other people, but with myself. I scold myself, like self-punishment. Thinking of how stupid, disappointing, embarrassing, worthless, useless, and screwed up I am. I know I do wrong, others seem to forgive me, but I don't forgive myself.I need to punish myself for my mistakes. They shouldn't have occurred in the first place.
I have no desire to live. Nothing to live for. My PSAT scores were a blow to the face. It told me I was average, not the 'above and beyond' student my parents wanted me to be. The scores, the letters, the emails, they're all just a big reminder of how I'm not good enough. How I'll never be successful in life because I don't stand out. I never actually did well, they just made me believe I did. Not to mention the disappointment and disgust my parents has on their faces when they found out the college stuff was fake.
I feel like a fake. I am a fake.
I'm finally done writing my entries and now I'm free to write anything else! Thanks for joining me on my path down memory lane, although it was a bit rough. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!
<3 The Little Fangirl
This was when I
December 11, 2014
Lying doesn't get you anywhere. Then why do I still do it? I like to think I do it for the benefit of others. To keep them happy, away from something that might trouble their moment of bliss. But it seems I only do it for myself. And it gets me in trouble. Not necessarily with other people, but with myself. I scold myself, like self-punishment. Thinking of how stupid, disappointing, embarrassing, worthless, useless, and screwed up I am. I know I do wrong, others seem to forgive me, but I don't forgive myself.I need to punish myself for my mistakes. They shouldn't have occurred in the first place.
I have no desire to live. Nothing to live for. My PSAT scores were a blow to the face. It told me I was average, not the 'above and beyond' student my parents wanted me to be. The scores, the letters, the emails, they're all just a big reminder of how I'm not good enough. How I'll never be successful in life because I don't stand out. I never actually did well, they just made me believe I did. Not to mention the disappointment and disgust my parents has on their faces when they found out the college stuff was fake.
I feel like a fake. I am a fake.
I'm finally done writing my entries and now I'm free to write anything else! Thanks for joining me on my path down memory lane, although it was a bit rough. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!
<3 The Little Fangirl
No comments:
Post a Comment