This was when I
2:30 am
July 6, 2014
Why did you have to leave me? Why did you let me go? Was that your intention? To give me hope that I actually had a friend, and then backstab and leave me in the dust? It hurts. More than you will ever know. What makes things worse is that I knew you lied, every time, and especially when you said you were "busy with family." And every time I look out the window, I see you with one of your "friends," I think about all the midnight Mcdonald's runs, fangirling, going to the movies....just everything. And each time I think about it, the more I break down inside.
Do you ever look back at the good times we've had together? I know I do. I was always there for you, but you were barely there for me. You knew almost all of my past, and yet you still went ahead and waved out friendship away.
I learned about being a friend when I was alone. I can never be the same. I'll never be the same. Throughout the day, I'll space out and remember the fun times I've had with you or Michelle, almost like flashbacks, and then I'll snap back into reality knowing it'll never be the same.
When you helped me with my cutting, I had this sense of hope that someone actually cared about me. I asked a few others, but they never took me seriously, so when you took action, I felt a bit relieved. Now it's all gone. I've honestly reconsidered cutting again, but not only with safety pins....legitimate cutting. Not too long ago, I was at a low state and held a knife against my almost gone scars, but I couldn't go through with it. No dance pressure, no parents home to even acknowledge my existence, no friends to catch me when I fall. You've shattered me to pieces and left me with nothing. No life. No love. No trust. No hope. No happiness.
I'm lost in a world of fakes and lies I can never escape. I'll never be the real me because I don't even know who the real me is. She was lost not too long ago, never to be found again. She's trapped behind the popular-bully personality and the meek-nice personality. I've always changed my looks, personality, and attitude to even be noticed. I can't wear anything I would like to because I hear voices telling me I'm too fat, ugly, worthless, disproportional, and not good enough. I have nightmares about them too. I know I have the habit to always say sorry, take the blame, and put everyone's happiness before my own. I don't even think I know what happiness is anymore.
I recognize your face, but I see a stranger. I have this urge to introduce myself every time I start a conversation with you. Everything I do reminds me of you or Michelle. I've sacrificed my life and time on you to have it all waste away. Sadly, this isn't the first time this has happened. I don't know what to do or who to trust. I'm broken.
I hope you're happy because I sacrificed my happiness to make sure you had the time of your life. You always worried and complained about your "friends" leaving you, but you never realized that was exactly what you were doing to me. Were all those years of friendship just a lie? Should I even call it a friendship? It felt really one-sided to be honest.
You knew about all of my issues and insecurities, yet you still made fun of me for them. Maybe I will be the depressed "emo" that everyone portrays me as. I tried so hard to be the "perfect" daughter that my mom always wanted me to be. I've spent my whole life trying to live ip to everyone's standards to make them happy, but now you've just added your own name to the list of people I can never please. I'm probably barely even a thought in your head, but you will always be a memory forever ingrained in my head.
So that was that..... Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!
<3 The Little Fangirl
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